Good morning, or what-ever time it may be where you are.
This Is Just My Point Of View!
This is my open Book Dairy, so that means I can say what I want to here., and this is about me, not you.
For the pass few days things have been getting really rough for me to handle. I have given about all that I can give. I am tried of fighting for my life here, there is no hope left inside me. I use to say,”never let them see you crying because they will think that they have won”, well I am feeling that my smile is gone and I don’t know how to get it back. I am sure that everyone will believe that this is all my fault, because that’s what everyone always says. I knew better then to stay in a place where I was wanted in the first place. When I had the chance to leave from here I should have done just that. It is my fault that I though someone like me could make a difference, I was wrong, because in reality no one really cares if I say anything or not. I am a nobody and that is all there is to it. Only people like Bruce Jenner can get away with getting people to notice them. Hell if I had the money I could have changed my life like that. But when I started, my heart was already going bad and I couldn’t take the meds for my breast, unless I used the lowest dosage they had, and I was lucky to get that, I had to attempt suicide to get those pills. So that made everything else stop and I could go no father. So I have had to live my life just as a man in a dress around here, never could or would I ever be accepted into their community. So what have I done here, nothing but waste my time on people that just want to live their lives to suite them, no on cares what I lose for this. I am sitting here broke because they have pretty much shut me down at the flea market, by not buying anything from me, I have managed to get my bills paid but have nothing to live on, like for gas, dish soap, things that are needed in the house whole. But I also don’t care for begging either. I am a proud person I have done for myself all my life, but now I have to depend on someone for everything I do, I can’t even take a shower on my own, there has to be someone with me. If I need something to drink, I have to wait till my friends comes around to get it for me. I have not been to a store or anyplace else in months, because it would make it harder on her, so I just sit here in my wheelchair watching as what is left to my life just pass’s me by.
People thing that living like this has good sides to it and I am sure if you live in the right place it can be good, I am not saying that all trans people have to deal with what I deal with, if you don’t live here that’s great. Sure this is a good side for you, I wake up and I am still breathing, but With-in the first few minutes I am taking Morphine and Percocet to stop the pain from the night, then I start feeling the sickness in my stomach, the heat flash’s and not being able to hold my own head up. I have to get my friend to give me more meds to help me deal with that, I use to drink coffee all day, now It makes me sick before I can drink one cup. The only thing I can drink is Lemonade. I am eating less, because when I eat I hurt, and sometimes it is so bad that I just wish I hadn’t eaten at all, so now I suffer some more.
Sure you think nothing of this because it is not happening to you or someone in your family. I know that I am not the only one sitting here suffering from some form of sickness. All I know is how I feel.
The thing about me is that I never though my life was wroth anything to me, I am something that should have died years ago. All my life I have begged God to take my life, to use me to help stop the hatred and things that are happening out there. I would have gladly given my life to take a bullet for a cause, but to die like this is not what I had in mind. Here all I have is people just watching and waiting for me to die. I truly believe that is why some of these people on my friends list are only here for that, then they share it so that their whole state can watch as this queer, fagot, die or what-ever they chose to call me today. I don’t know if I can fight anymore, nor do I know if I want to anymore. I believe that if I would have just moved on away from here I would have at least had a chance to live a real life for myself. That is what everyone else is doing, while you are going about your life, I am still trying to write something that you will like, but that’s ok to, because that’s what real Soldiers do.
I am getting really tried here and the pain in my back is taking it’s toll on me now.
I am Miss Bobbie Jean Chiasson, and this is my read name, and I don’t see any reason to hide that like so many of you do, what’s with that, how can anyone trust someone that doesn’t even use his real name.
Why is it that I notice when I use the words transgender on my post or on my photos no one wants to touch it, I don’t understand why, I though that is what you wanted, someone to stand up for your rights, maybe I was wrong in thinking that,maybe some of you don’t want anyone to know that you are gay. That is why some of you stay in the in-box, so that your friends don’t see you commenting on my post. Everyday I live with someone that is just waiting for me to die, so that she can move on with her life, and I have a son, that just calls me to see if I am still living, because he is just waiting to get his share of me, well there is nothing left of me because I have had to sale everything I had just to pay bills here. So can you tell me just what it is that I have left to want to live for?
Sure Today I thank God for each breathe of air that I take to breathe, but as long as I am breathing I still have to deal with all the rest of the carp that comes with it.
Right now I am truly depressed and I am feeling like I have lose this battle and I am not sure just how to take all that in.
You may not believe this but right now I am living with a friend that is ten years younger then me and she is wanting to go out and party, she is a cross-dresser and this is nothing but a game to her, so she is another just waiting for me to die so she can move forward with her life as well. I will more then likely in up in a nursing home before it is over with and there I will have nothing.
Thank you, if you made it this far down the page.
I used to be worry about who would or who would not like my post, but I have come to feel that it does not matter what I write someone will have a problem with it, so I will write for myself, in my Diary which I share with you. I don’t have to, but I do.
Hope your life is Blessed and that somewhere along the way, you’ll find your place in this life. You can like it or not, that is up to you. I can’t control what you do.
Miss Bobbie Jean Chiasson.
Don’t get me wrong here, part of me wants to live, yet the most part of me would just like to die so everyone else can move on and not have to deal with me anymore. I am grateful for the life I do still have but The life that I did live was not what I wanted for me. Now I think I am going to live what life I have left for me.