Can I learn to forgive?

I got to cook today, and for me that means a lot. It’s not every day I can feel that way. I love to cook and make up a nice plate for Dinner, and when I have someone to do it for, it makes things even better.

I have been going through a lot of things and I am mentally and physically tired. I am trying now just to relax for a while; I have taken three pain pills and would like not to take any more tonight. There is one thing I can say about the Marine Corp I was in is that they taught you how to endure pain.
   My friend Madame Jacqueline is doing just great as for being a friend, yet I cannot help but feel that I am hurting her as well as myself. Because of me, she has not had a chance to get a gig. I cannot help but feel that because of me things will get rough around here.
   I called the People that are suppose to help people like me to live on our own, so that we can still feel like part of something. I asked if there was a program that would help me pay for help, so I could live at home and not in a home. She told me that the only thing that she could do was to have someone come to me three days a week to help me get dressed and cook for me, help me to clean, but I would have to give them 260.00 dollars out of my SS which is only 850.00 and as for as me not being able to drive, I would have to sit at where ever I had to go till the van came back to get me.

   It’s like I worked and I paid and I work some more for what. Oh, they will not come if someone else is living with me, get that. So I thought about a nursing home, I need to be thinking about these things because they look like they could be part of my future. Anyway, If I need to go there, they will take everything that is in my name away from me, and I will not be allow to have anything like a PC or anything else, They will take my van, anything in my checking account and my check every month. I will have nothing. There goes my freedom.
   I will not give up so easy; we are going back to the Flea Market and try to move forward with our lives. I have decided that things will change for us, I am not putting out my signs or any photos of us, We are going out there to sell whatever we can, because we have no choice, I will not let anyone ever stop me from doing what I want to do or saying what I want to say, But I will also forgive anyone that thinks they are better than me or Madame.

   I will forgive any fool that thinks he has the right to call us or any one like us names, I will forgive the asshole that thinks he is God. Because I am better than that, I am better than any of them. We will go and set up with our junk and if you come by fine, if you don’t you lose, not me, I am One of the most interesting people I know. I can tell you a story and you will not know what is real. God give me a Brain to use as I see fit.

   It is the only thing that I can control. and I need help with that, But most of all I have feelings, I hurt inside, In my life I have committed so much sin that I will never see Heaven or God.
   I believe that God has chosen people like me to carry that cross that has become our burden, We are all now expected to live up to Gods way. Man has changed the holly words to make you believe what they want you to believe. There were no words written by God, but by Man.
   In the name of God people have died, because someone else thinks that their God is telling them to do these things to others, that is not what God is about.
   God to me is about what I do here, when I sit here and try to understand why and how did we become the creature with so much hate inside us that we would harm another human creature, yes, we are but creatures of God, just like all the rest of his Creatures, and I do not use the word as to say that God is a man, God is our voices, our cry’s, our sadness and pain, God is our love and understanding, we are all part of what God is, but to have Good there must be evil, I am that evil here, that hatred, that hurting and that pain, You cannot hide, because we are everywhere. The fear that I put into your head brings your God closer to your heart, I cannot change the things that I have done, but I can change the way I feel about myself. I have never before been so afraid of death than I am right now. Because I was not allowed to walk into the House of your God, I feel that I am dammed for Hell.
   We are going out to the Flea Market and I really don’t care about anything but trying to sell something to help me keep my friend here to take care of me. I ask for nothing but respect and allow us to do what we need to do and earn something.

It is no longer important to me about how you feel about me.

It is more important to me to care about how I feel about me.

I am Miss Bobbie Jean, with a dream



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