Sometimes one finds themselves thinking about Suicide. I have ask myself that many times in my life. I have even prayed to God to take my life from me, just so I would not have to deal with my life as it is right now. I live in a world where depression is an everyday thing in my life and I have to deal with it the best I can. There has even been times when I have taken more meds then I needed and passed out hoping not to wake up. I truly believe that my life has been like a living hell here. I could tell you story’s that you might find it hard to believe, because you don’t see things like that everyday. Because I have tried to be strong and stand up for what I though was right, I have lived in a life of pure hell. My blood has fallen on this grow many times just because I was trying to be me. I could have lived a different life and never allowed anyone to know the truth about me, things would have been better, but I would not have been who I truly am. That person that I am, was inside of me wanting to come out, so I knew that I had to be the real me, because I only want to know the real you, anything else would not be true. I wanted to try and show others that we are just people to, wanting to live just like anyone else. So because I lived my life for me I have had to deal with all the stress that has put me in the place I am now. I wake up taking pain pills and go to bed at night taking pain pills. My breakfast is pills. So you see I have every reason to think about suicide. Not only am I dealing with my health problems and am also dealing with mental problems as well as financial problems. Even though I am dying I still have to pay these bills and when you don’t make enough to cover all of them, you have a problem. All that does is cause the stress levels to go up.
And for what it is worth, that is why I have to face the reality in my life, because suicide is not the answer.
The thing is for me, I believe that suicide is a sin and I think that is what has kelp me from going through with it. It didn’t matter how bad I wanted to die, it was still not the answer I was looking for. I live in a world where pain is a big part of it and I hope that I don’t have to stay here much longer, yet I also hope that it never gets to the point where I think that it is not worth it anymore. I fight hard to be strong, to find the courage to try harder to make it. Everyday now I find how God shows me that he is here for and that he cares for me. I sometimes wonder why he would want someone like me in his world, but then I remember that he is God and he can do anything he wants to do. That’s what I live for now. Yes it is not easy, by no means for me here. To sit here and watch as your body dies in the front of you is not fun. I find myself becoming more depended on my friend and caregiver more each day. She has to do it all now. I am lucky to even get to write a little. This has taken me a couple of days to write, but I needed to share my thoughts with you about suicide. It is not the right thing to do, it does not matter how bad things get, there is always hope. There are people out there to talk to and if nothing else, you have yourself to live for, you are worth it. Trust in yourself and it will be for the best.
The thing I am trying to say is that it doesn’t matter how bad things will get, if you ask, someone just might come along and help you, and it will be the last one that you would expect to help you. I was down all last week trying to figure out just how was I going to pay 1250.00 dollars wroth of bills with 900.00 dollars. Well just by asking, I got the help I need, Thanks to God for sending me these Angels. That’s why you can never give up.
Love you all, so let’s all stand Tall, stop and think before you do something that you’ll wish you didn’t.
Miss Bobbie Jean
This is just my point of view here.