FORGIVENESS!

Was up all night again dealing with the pain in my feet. I have taken so much pain meds. till all I want to do is fall asleep, but I can’t because it never stops hurting. I find myself having to use my oxygen more each day.
I am sorry that this is all I have to say, but this is what I am dealing with and I really miss being able to do things, like walking, riding my bic. and dancing. I find it hard to realize that just a year ago I was still doing those things.
I am sitting here wondering if I did something wrong and that is why I am still here suffering like this. I have prayed to God for forgiveness if I have. I can only hope that he finds that I am worthy of his love and forgiveness.
Amen

Miss Bobbie Jean

DEAR LORD

DEAR LORD

Everyday I pray to you,

I also want to sing to you to.

You are in my heart,

It’s you I want to be a part.

 

I trust that you will show me the way,

For this I pray each day.

I give my love to you,

I do this because of what you do.

 

This prayer is to you Lord,

Just because of who you are.

Thank you for giving me life,

For believing in you I now have no doubt.

 

Amen.

 

I thank you Lord for giving me the air that I breath.

 

Miss Bobbie Jean

Suicide Is Not The Answer!

Sometimes one finds themselves thinking about Suicide. I have ask myself that many times in my life. I have even prayed to God to take my life from me, just so I would not have to deal with my life as it is right now. I live in a world where depression is an everyday thing in my life and I have to deal with it the best I can. There has even been times when I have taken more meds then I needed and passed out hoping not to wake up. I truly believe that my life has been like a living hell here. I could tell you story’s that you might find it hard to believe, because you don’t see things like that everyday. Because I have tried to be strong and stand up for what I though was right, I have lived in a life of pure hell. My blood has fallen on this grow many times just because I was trying to be me. I could have lived a different life and never allowed anyone to know the truth about me, things would have been better, but I would not have been who I truly am. That person that I am, was inside of me wanting to come out, so I knew that I had to be the real me, because I only want to know the real you, anything else would not be true. I wanted to try and show others that we are just people to, wanting to live just like anyone else. So because I lived my life for me I have had to deal with all the stress that has put me in the place I am now. I wake up taking pain pills and go to bed at night taking pain pills. My breakfast is pills. So you see I have every reason to think about suicide. Not only am I dealing with my health problems and am also dealing with mental problems as well as financial problems. Even though I am dying I still have to pay these bills and when you don’t make enough to cover all of them, you have a problem. All that does is cause the stress levels to go up.

And for what it is worth, that is why I have to face the reality in my life, because suicide is not the answer.

The thing is for me, I believe that suicide is a sin and I think that is what has kelp me from going through with it. It didn’t matter how bad I wanted to die, it was still not the answer I was looking for. I live in a world where pain is a big part of it and I hope that I don’t have to stay here much longer, yet I also hope that it never gets to the point where I think that it is not worth it anymore. I fight hard to be strong, to find the courage to try harder to make it. Everyday now I find how God shows me that he is here for and that he cares for me. I sometimes wonder why he would want someone like me in his world, but then I remember that he is God and he can do anything he wants to do. That’s what I live for now. Yes it is not easy, by no means for me here. To sit here and watch as your body dies in the front of you is not fun. I find myself becoming more depended on my friend and caregiver more each day. She has to do it all now. I am lucky to even get to write a little. This has taken me a couple of days to write, but I needed to share my thoughts with you about suicide. It is not the right thing to do, it does not matter how bad things get, there is always hope. There are people out there to talk to and if nothing else, you have yourself to live for, you are worth it. Trust in yourself and it will be for the best.

The thing I am trying to say is that it doesn’t matter how bad things will get, if you ask, someone just might come along and help you, and it will be the last one that you would expect to help you. I was down all last week trying to figure out just how was I going to pay 1250.00 dollars wroth of bills with 900.00 dollars. Well just by asking, I got the help I need, Thanks to God for sending me these Angels. That’s why you can never give up.

Love you all, so let’s all stand Tall, stop and think before you do something that you’ll wish you didn’t.

Miss Bobbie Jean

P.S.

This is just my point of view here.

This is what I am dealing with!

 

I am thinking about not posting anything anymore because I really don’t think anyone cares about what I have to say here. When I do post all I get is a couple of you that like or comment on my post, the rest of you don’t even care, so it is a waste of my time to try and tell you what I have to deal with. There is a old saying that one should always smile because no one cares about what you are dealing with because they have their own secrets to deal with. It doesn’t matter that I sit here without any kind of help from anyone, sitting here broke and no way to make ends meet. The taxes alone are 200 bucks and that is for more then I have to give them, to do that I will not be able to pay all my bills here, and we will be broke all month. But that doesn’t matter to anyone. I am sure that some of you are dealing with the same problem, so I feel sorry that I can’t help you out.
On top of that I am living with someone that wishes I would just go ahead and die, so that she can move on with her life, and my son called just to see if I have kicked the bucket yet. It seems to me that I would be better off dead and then everyone can be happy. And you think your life is so bad, just try living in my shoes, oh wait I can’t even wear shoes now because my feet are so swollen that I can’t put them on.
I love life, but this is not a life, this sucks as for as I am concerned. And here in Ga. I can’t get help because when they see that I am a transgender, no one wants to help me.

Miss Bobbie Jean…..

Just Another Day In My Life Here!

 

   I have a high endurance for pain and I guest that is a good thing because I sit here in so much pain that all I can do is deal with it the best I can. I have to take pain meds all day long just to get by. My life really sucks most of the time dealing with this. I know that a lot of you may just think that I am looking for some kind of pity,but true be known, I would trade places with any of you right now.

   I know that I am lucky to still be alive, but am I really living? I don’t need anyone’s pity, just support. I write about the way I feel because it is all I can think about. I just was not expecting to die like this, was hoping that I would die in my sleep, that way I would not know it, but God has chosen to keep me here for some reason, not sure why, all I know is that this is not any kind of life I would wish on anyone, it doesn’t matter what they have done to me in the past. It is no an easy life for me anymore, things are rough and I don’t see it getting any better. I can’t do anything anymore, so that means I cannot help my friend deal with the work or the bills that we have. I give up my check to pay what I can and that is about all I can do now, I have to depend on her to do everything else, which makes it real hard on her, because she has to deal with everything that I can’t deal with. She made a comment this morning about the fact that all I am doing is waiting to die, well truth be known that is it. I don’t want to die, but living like this is no fun for me. I am sorry that I am dying, I would much rather be living a full life, but that is not up to me. God is in control of that. He is the only one that can change anything here. I am not sure if I am be punished for something I did or this is just the way things are to be for me.

   I am sure that my friend means well, but maybe she needs to understand that if I could change anything, I would change my life for the better. I can only try to do what I can and that is it in a nut shell.

   Forgive me for having to write about this, but it is all I have left in this life of mine.

Thank you for reading my writing and for your support.

Miss Bobbie Jean.

P.S.

If you think that living on pain pills is a good life, I’ll trade places with you anytime.

God Is My Savior!

 

I am blinded, but yet I see,
The love that God shares with me.
I am def, but yet I hear,
When God says he loves me oh so dear.

I pray to him each night,
He shows me what is right.
He gives me my strength,
He comes to me with no intent.

The courage I have comes from him,
I know that when I die, he’ll let me in.
He knows that I’ll need him,
And that is why I have let him in.

I thank you all mighty God,
I am sure that you know why.
I have done all I can do,
That is why I have given my love to you.

I thank God for this day, and he has shown me the way to a better life here on earth, and soon I will be returning back to this earth, for they say from dust we were born and to dust we will return.

Love you for being who you are, wouldn’t have it any other way.
Thank you, Miss Bobbie Jean.

GOOD MORNING!

Good morning, hope all is well for you and yours. I have been up since 4 this morning dealing with my feet. My friend is going out to the market to set up and try to sell some of our junk, so if you are out try to stop by and see if there is anything you need, We could use the help. I did not go because I feel that I would be more of a burden than anything else.She would have to deal with helping me in and out of the van, plus my wheelchair and oxygen bottles. I should be ok here alone for a little while, She will call me and check on me. If I need help, I can call another friend that lives here in the park and she can come over, or I can call Hospice if it is that bad. I am sure that I can make it ok.
I thank God to be alive and to give me a chance to try again.
Love you all, because I think that hate is a waste of time. It is easier to forgive then to hate.
Miss Bobbie Jean.