Dear Diary!

Dear Diary!

Woke up dealing with a lot of pain, trying to get my sh*t together. My nurse will be here soon to talk about my feet. I’ll have to see a Doc. about the circulation in my feet to see just how bad it is. I have already accepted the fact as to what will happen now. It is hard, but there is nothing else that can be done. I will say that I am afraid, because they will not be able to put me to sleep, that means what ever they do, I will be awake. Kinda sucks don’t it. I guest I can endure it, My Savior had to endure a lot more than that for my sins. He gave his life for me, it is only right that I give mine to him.

So much pain, can’t think straight, really confused about what is going on around me. I hurt so bad.

Well my nurse came by and we have decided that we are just going to let my feet die till they have to do something. I can go to a Doc. Now and he can cut me a little at a time, or I can just wait till they have on more choice but to do something, the problem is that this is incurable so it does not matter what they do, it just will continue. she has given me permissions to take all the pain pills I need to deal with it. She is going to talk with my Doc. To see what the best coarse of action they will take.

Well I think I’ll move on now. Hope you have a good day,

Miss Bobbie.

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Another Day.

Good evening. I will always hope that your day as been find, so You should know that. I am here as much as I can be, sometime, I just can’t be because of my health. I am feeling pretty fair right now, but they have made sure I have all the pills I need for the pain. My nurse had one of the weekend nurses come by this morning to check out my foot. Well we talked about it and she was pretty bunt about saying what she had to say. I told her what was going on and how much pain that it produced and she told me to take all the pain meds. that I needed to take, because she told me that it would just get worst anyway. She told me that she would get in contact with the Doc. and have my nurse come by early Monday morning.
My nurse will talk to me then, There was something said about my feet and I am not sure just how to say it on here. It’s not good, but it is a fact of life and something that we have to deal with.
I am proud of the years I had and I have always love the walks that my friend and I shared. She has given me a good life, some of the best years of my life. I don’t want to make her job of taking care of me to be harder, I mean it’s hard enough to take care of someone in my condition, it’s not easy if you don’t know what you are doing. I have to eat when I feel the need to eat, because I might not want or can not eat for the next two days, I eat when I can, just like going to the bathroom, when I have to go, that means now, so she has to stop doing what she is doing and get me there, there is no time to waste. There are all kinds of things that a caregiver has to do. The reason for that is because the one who is being cared for can’t do these things anymore. I miss cooking and doing other things around my yard and garden, but I can’t even get out side on my own now.
I am not sorry for anything I have done here while I was doing them. I had fun and maybe met a friend or two along the way. If I can remember when I am gone, there are some of you I’ll never forget.
I love all of you guys. I pray that we all will share the greatest Kingdom of them all “The Kingdom Of Heaven” In God I trust to take care of my soul when death has taken it’s toll. Amen.

Miss Bobbie

 transgender14
 
 

BELIEVING IN ONES SELF!

BELIEVING IN ONES SELF!

Hi, I hope all is well for you guys out there. I have been dealing with my meds. lately because of the pain, and I don’t like where it puts me. Because of my heart being at less then 15%, my body is shutting down everyday as I try to live longer. Sometimes the stress alone is enough to deal with, but then I also have the pain to deal with. Every time my nurse comes to see me they add more meds, or increase the ones I am taking, which only makes me more drowsily, I can’t win, either way I just can’t function right all the time, mostly a very little bit of the time I can function, so I have to do everything just right when I am able to do them, if not I miss the best of me for that day.

I am sure that some of you wonder, just how do I show a picture of me looking fairy nice, but I talk about dying. Well just to let you know, it is not an easy task for me to do that. With out my meds, I could not do it at all. So I am thankful to have them. But the first thing I do when I wake is a cup of coffee with a pain pill on the side, I have to get myself in a place where I can function before I can even start to think about doing anything. I then take the rest of my daily meds. It takes sometime as long as two hours or so to even get to moving around a little. My heart is so weak that anything I do now is like a job to me, may be nothing to you to wash your face or to add your makeup, well I have to take it in steps, do a little, rest a little and catch my breath or deal with the pain from just standing there, and if it is too bad I have a stool to sit on. There have been times when I just had to stop and when I do, that is it for the day, and I don’t have enough days left to miss any of them.

That is not all, I then have to get ready to do a photo shot just to have these pictures. We have a place set up just for that, with a back drop, so that there is nothing but me in the picture, or what I feel needs to be there, that is so I can pose and show you only the best of me, because you don’t need to see the rest of me. I am not ashamed of what I really look like, but I don’t want to show the old and dying in me, I don’t like to see it, so I am sure that you don’t want to see it.

I have found a real live true friend here where I live. She has started coming over to my home lately. We met when I was walking my dog around the park here, and she has a little dog, so I got a chance to met her and I enjoy walking my dog, so I could get a chance to see her and chat for a while, then I started back into the flea market and I didn’t go by there as much anymore, then she found out that I had gotten worst, so she just jumped right back in there to help me out, She makes my day when she comes here to visit. She helps to deal with me and tells my friend what she needs to do to help me better. Like I had to go to the bathroom yesterday and she stepped up and helped me because I couldn’t move on my own. She showed me that is what real friends do. She ask me something today and I did not think twice about it. She wanted to see the real me, so I showed her what I look like with out the extras, just me and she touched my head and she told me that I was beautiful, that there was nothing wrong with the way I looked,, I guest I am not the monster that society has made me out to be. I will miss her when I am gone.

Anyway so I have told you my greatest secret about me, but I will continue to write as long as I can and when you don’t see pictures of me anymore you’ll know that I have gotten to the point where I really don’t want to be, so from now on, I will tell you thanks for being here, because with out you to read what I write I’ll have no reason to write.

I “THANK YOU” for your time,but it didn’t cost you a dime, have a beautiful life and live it to the fullness because there are no “UNDO”, or “RELOAD” buttons on life, once you swallow the “pill”, you have to deal with what it “tills”.

Love one and love all, and I forgive my enemy’s for what they have done, Because they know not what they do.

Written by someone that has a dream of a better world for everyone, “ONE RACE CALLED THE HUMAN RACE”

Written by Miss Bobbie Jean Chiasson.

P.S.

I truly believe in myself, you must believe in yourself first, then you may find that others will follow you and believe in you.

I believe in you, so do what it is you do.

Feel free to “LIKE” and “SHARE” if you like what I wrote,

if not just stroll on..

THANK YOU”

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STANDING TOGETHER.

   Everyday I see carp about who’s lives matter, well the way I see it is that (ALL LIVES) matter. I have lived as a woman most of my life and I have no regrets as to doing so, so I am one that believes that all live here matters because it take’s all of us to make this world work. All through life someone has felt that they are more important then others, I don’t stand by that. We are all born different for a reason. We might not know that reason, but it was made that way.

So, the real purpose we have here is to live the way that is best for us. One can not live the way society wants one to live, but we can live the way we need to live to survive in this world. I can say that no matter what I have had to deal with in my life, I am proud to be a Transwoman, I feel that I have gotten as close to being a real woman as I can, and that is something that society can not take away from me. I hope that you have found that place where you feel like you belong.

 

It is “MY POINT OF VEIW” that we can not control what others may think about us, but we can control who we show them that we really are.

 

P.S.

When I say I love you, I am saying that because of who you are is the reason that I love you, never change for me or anyone else.

 

Thank you Miss Bobbie
transgender12

True Friends!

 

I need a friend like you in my life,
Because you make me smile when I need to,
Because you make me laugh when I can laugh,
Because you show me that someone cares for me,
Because you allow me to cry when I need to cry,
Because you try to understand me and not judge me,
Because you help me to deal with dying,
Because you are just you doing what it is you do,
Being a “TRUE FRIEND”

You are a true friend to me when I need a friend the most in my life.

Miss Bobbie

Still Here

It is sad that for me to get a little rest, that I have to dope myself up to the point where I pass out just to go to sleep. They are increasing my meds. so that I stop feeling the pain, but at that point I can’t do anything else, like function. It is hard to try to write or anything when I am that way. I have been signing the papers that tells them what to do when my time comes to pass and they are to do nothing to try and keep me alive, no machines or anything, just let me go. I don’t want to live with tubes in me just to breath, I just want to go as painless as possible.

Miss Bobbie

The First Days Of My Journey!

As I sit here today, thinking about a time in my life that more than likely began all this with my “Life As A Transgender”. I have always remembered when I was five years old, my Mom would drag me over the rows of fresh cut sugarcane. Where we lived in Louisiana they grow a lot of that, so when my Mom was looking for my Dad at the bars, she would take a short cut through the cane fields, just dragging me along because she couldn’t leave me at home.

My Dad worked offshore on a drilling rig, two weeks on and one week off. When he was in, all he wanted to do was go to the bar and drink. Mom had to chase him down to get money to eat with. They would always fight about money.

I still can remember all the cuts and bruises that I had on my legs and feet. I was always crying, that’s for sure. Mom would tell me that I should have been born a girl, but I had to be a boy. I had three sister, none of them had to live in foster care like I did. For some reason she told me this all the time, then one day a lady came to our home and my stuff was put into a box and off I went.

A few days later I found myself on a farm with two old people that I didn’t know and standing next to me was my little brother, he was only three. Mom had come over and even though they are not suppose to come like that, she did anyway. It was time for her to leave and I thought to myself that we would be going with her but, That wasn’t the plan. She got into her car and shut the door. I was holding on to the handle when she started to back out down the driveway. I was crying and begging Mom not to leave me here, take me with you please, take me home, I had forgotten about all those cuts, at least it was a home of a sort. She just looked at me and said that she could only keep the girls, that she couldn’t deal with boys and told me again that I should have been born a girl. When it was all done I was standing there holding the hand of my three year old little brother, that was the day I became his Mother. Today he will not even talk to me, say’s he doesn’t have anyone named Bobbie Jean in is life.

As time moved on and I grow up, I have always had this feeling that I could have been a better Mother then My Mom. I have had to deal with this all my life. All I ever wanted was for my Mom to sign the papers and just let me move on with my life. Till today she still tells me that it was not her fault, it was mine because I was not born a girl, and now that I have become that girl, my Mom will have nothing to do with me, so you can’t please all the people all the time, but you can please a few some of the time.

Today I am a better woman then my Mother ever was.

All I ever wanted was a family, a real family.

transgender11

Thank You

Miss Bobbie Jean Chiasson

P.S.

Don’t get me wrong here, I have forgiven my Mom with Gods help, but I can never forget what she done to me.

These are a few places to find my writings an maybe other things as well.

Living as a transgender

God And Transgenders Stand Together

My Life As A transgender

My Secret Garden

Written by Bobbie Jean Chiasson

The stories that I write are true and about me and what I have to deal with in my day to day life. It is about the things that I believe in and it is only my point of view. It has nothing to do with you as you are free to live the life style that you chose to live. It is an open book diary that I have chosen to share with you.

The pictures that I use on here are from my now and then.

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