Sitting here, not being able to fall asleep, I have taken one of my percocet and a shot of morphine to help me breath easier and try to get some rest.
As I sit here I have time to think about all this that is happening to me. I know that I have not lived the best life I could have because of all the BS that I have had to deal with and some of it I maybe could have made easier, but I made the wrong turn on my journey. Sometimes we find ourselves doing something like that, we are not prefect human beings, even though some of us would like to believe that we are. I only know that I have tried hard to be the best I could at everything that I have tried to do. Life is hard and brings with it a lot of challenges, some we can overcome and some we can not. All we can do is the best we can no matter what the end result may be.
I really never though that I would live out a long life, that it would be cut short because of the life style that I have lived. I have always tried to push myself to the fullest of myself whether or not it hurt me in the end or not. I always had to get it done now, I never could wait for help, always trying to do it on my own, without help. Sometimes one can push themselves to far and that is what I have spent most of my life doing to myself. It’s not good for anyone to do that all the time. That is just the way I was brought up, if I wanted it done I had to do it.
I found that I was the same way when it came to showing others what was right and wrong. I found myself putting myself into salutations where I felt that I needed to stand out and show that life is different for everyone, we are not all the same. Like when I knew that I was a transperson and I wanted to live as a woman, I felt that the only way for me was to show my true colors, not thinking about all the stress that I would have to endure by living this way. Sure I knew that there would be some trouble, but I didn’t think that it would consume my life as it did . When people started telling me that I couldn’t live that way, it just made me want to push myself harder and be the best damn woman I could be. It only made my life harder and the stress became more then my heart could deal with, causing me to have a heart attack. Now I have to deal with what is left and just make the best of it. I guest I can say that for the most part I have live out what I wanted to be, I have lived as a woman here in the hardest state I could have live, South. Ga. Even though I could have left from here at anytime, I choose to stay, because I felt that I could do more good here then anywhere else in this country. I can only hope that I have shown enough people and maybe even taught a few that even though we may look different we are all still human beings. There is no reason that things like color, gender or race should bare any difference between us, we are all Gods children. That is what I was taught anyway and that is what I believe. I know that everyone has the right to believe the way they choose to, but it is also my right to live the way I have chosen to.
I am sure that for the most part a lot of people really don’t like the way I live because they feel that they are better then me, well that is also their right, just need to let me be me. I know that my time is just getting shorter as each day goes by and I can’t change that no matter how hard I try. I will be the best I can be till the end. And I want to thank you for being a friend. So with that in mind, I will try now to get some rest for I am beginning to feel it is time.
I want to say thank you for your support and your friendship, because without you here I would have nothing. Because in my real life friends are few and far apart, and there is no family of a sort.
I have lived with this dream, One race called the human race and I will die believing that it will come true someday.
God is on your side, all you have to do is give him a try.
Miss Bobbie Jean