It seems that all my life I have tried to do the right thing and meet everyone’s standards. It’s like I have always needed approval from someone for what I do or what I write. It doesn’t matter if I think I have done my best, what does matter is did I do it right enough to meet your approval? I can remember from the time I was just a child and had to be the best at all times, because if I didn’t I would be put in a juvenile home for boys or what they called a reform school back then. It was their way of handling kids that had gotten to old for the system to deal with. Then as a adult I had to do everything to the approval of someone else. If anyone was wrong it has always been me.
Now I am 65 years old and death is knotting at my door, yet I still feel that what I write needs to be approved by someone. I know that sometimes I may write about something that you don’t understand or you just don’t give a damn, well I am sorry for that. You see I can write about all things being bright, but they are not. Life is not just full of ups, sometimes it has more downs. For some people there are very few ups and it makes it even harder when there is no one around to help you deal with the downs.
It has gotten to the point in my life where all I want to do is sleep, because when I am there, I am not worrying about anything else. If you think that being like I am is ok, let me be the first to say, IT’S NOT OK, it really suck being here, and now that I have gotten where I have to depend on someone else to do it for me, or to help me do it myself even makes it hard for me to deal with. If you were to ask me if I am happy, I would have to ask what have I got to be happy about? I can’t do anything or go anywhere, even if I had the money to do what I wanted to do, I still couldn’t do it, so what is there to be happy about?
Sure they say that if I am good and have have met the approval of God that I shall live in eternal life, but that doesn’t help me now, does it? So here I am still waiting to be approved by someone.
I can not help but feel angry sometimes, because of the situation I am in, I know it’s not your fault, but this is the only place I have to vent what I need to say. I know that for the most part I have lived a full life and been around the world, yet I can’t help but feel that my life is being taken away from me and that’s enough to make anyone angry.
Well I have been trying to write this all morning and now it is evening so I better just let it go for now.
I know that I have many reasons why I should be blessed, yet that doesn’t change the way I feel. I don’t want to die, just like anyone else, but there is nothing I can do about it.
Just remember this, what you make of your life is how you will have to live your life. If you make the best of it, then you will get the best in return, but if you just wait for someone else’s approval, you just might be waiting a long time.
Be Blessed by allowing God to do the rest.
Miss Bobbie Jean.