It seems like even though I have been thought all that I have had to endure just to live here on the would, it is nothing compared to what I have to endure now. I though that it would just get easier for me as I spent my last time here, but I was wrong to believe that, Things did not get better for me, but only worsen with the knowing that I can not do for my self anymore. I cannot just go to the store and get out of the house, or even go spend time with a friend that is in need of my being there, even if I don’t do anything but be there. I feel that I am trapped here waiting on someone to help me with everything. I can’t even fix my meals the way I use to or dress myself anymore. I have to have help with everything, even going to the restroom. Sure one would say that I am lucky to just still be alive, but am I really alive, or just going through the motion? About all I have felt is to be able to sit in my wheelchair and maybe try to watch some TV or play on my PC a little, but even that is getting harder for me to do. I cannot focus as I use to and that makes it harder for me to be able to write the words I need to write, so I write just what I can and sometimes that takes me a day or two.
It really bothers me to see all the hurting in the world that we have today for the storms, to the government trying to screw over each other and the people are just so full of hate that they don’t even know what they are hating for anymore, they just want to hate someone about something.
I am taking meds that are suppose to help me deal with this and allow me to just want to sleep, but even now, I can’t just sleep the rest of my time off. I still want to live a little if at all possible, If I can. I have to deal with someone that doesn’t want me here in the friest place, he would rather I move out into and home where they will take everything I own and leave me with nothing, but at least he can move on with he life. He doesn’t want me to sit and watch TV in the living room, because he says it bothers him when he is on his PC, reading a some carp. He never follows through on anything, when he gets tried of it he just leaves it and moves on, so what the hell is the big deal. All I have ask of him is to care for me and help me deal with what I have to deal with. That’s not a lot if you really think about it.
The only regret here is that I have not died as of yet, wishing that I had because I would not be dealing with this right now.
I know there are a lot of people out there dealing with a lot of things, but in ones life everything that happens to them is just as important, no matter what it may be.
I try hard to stay strong and fight depression, but sometimes one cannot fight enough alone, I have a friend that started coming over lately and it so pleases me to see and get to talk with her, she makes my day batter. I enjoy her company.
I have taken my meds again hoping to find some rest in all this kayos, but I dough if that will happen.
I know that being this way is a sign of weakness and it is not me, but even the strongest of us fall from time to time, Hell I am in no way prefect, if I was then I would be a God, but I am only a human being, broken and confused.
I can only want to do the things I use to do, now I just can’t do anything to help others, it doesn’t matter how much it hurts me. I do love all that have supported me and followed me as a fan, but I am no greater then I am.
I am Miss Bobbie jean Chiasson
I am 65 years old now
I am dying and with my heart working at only 15%, I am sure it will not be long, I have to fight for each breath I take, one day I will lose the battle.
I will hat to leave this world because it is the only one I know, hopping there is a better place for me out there.
Written by Miss Bobbie Jean Chiasson…
LOVE YOU ALL Miss Bobbie Jean