TO ENDURE!

 

It seems like even though I have been thought all that I have had to endure just to live here on the would, it is nothing compared to what I have to endure now. I though that it would just get easier for me as I spent my last time here, but I was wrong to believe that, Things did not get better for me, but only worsen with the knowing that I can not do for my self anymore. I cannot just go to the store and get out of the house, or even go spend time with a friend that is in need of my being there, even if I don’t do anything but be there. I feel that I am trapped here waiting on someone to help me with everything. I can’t even fix my meals the way I use to or dress myself anymore. I have to have help with everything, even going to the restroom. Sure one would say that I am lucky to just still be alive, but am I really alive, or just going through the motion? About all I have felt is to be able to sit in my wheelchair and maybe try to watch some TV or play on my PC a little, but even that is getting harder for me to do. I cannot focus as I use to and that makes it harder for me to be able to write the words I need to write, so I write just what I can and sometimes that takes me a day or two.

It really bothers me to see all the hurting in the world that we have today for the storms, to the government trying to screw over each other and the people are just so full of hate that they don’t even know what they are hating for anymore, they just want to hate someone about something.

I am taking meds that are suppose to help me deal with this and allow me to just want to sleep, but even now, I can’t just sleep the rest of my time off. I still want to live a little if at all possible, If I can. I have to deal with someone that doesn’t want me here in the friest place, he would rather I move out into and home where they will take everything I own and leave me with nothing, but at least he can move on with he life. He doesn’t want me to sit and watch TV in the living room, because he says it bothers him when he is on his PC, reading a some carp. He never follows through on anything, when he gets tried of it he just leaves it and moves on, so what the hell is the big deal. All I have ask of him is to care for me and help me deal with what I have to deal with. That’s not a lot if you really think about it.

The only regret here is that I have not died as of yet, wishing that I had because I would not be dealing with this right now.

I know there are a lot of people out there dealing with a lot of things, but in ones life everything that happens to them is just as important, no matter what it may be.

I try hard to stay strong and fight depression, but sometimes one cannot fight enough alone, I have a friend that started coming over lately and it so pleases me to see and get to talk with her, she makes my day batter. I enjoy her company.

I have taken my meds again hoping to find some rest in all this kayos, but I dough if that will happen.

I know that being this way is a sign of weakness and it is not me, but even the strongest of us fall from time to time, Hell I am in no way prefect, if I was then I would be a God, but I am only a human being, broken and confused.

I can only want to do the things I use to do, now I just can’t do anything to help others, it doesn’t matter how much it hurts me. I do love all that have supported me and followed me as a fan, but I am no greater then I am.

I am Miss Bobbie jean Chiasson

I am 65 years old now

I am dying and with my heart working at only 15%, I am sure it will not be long, I have to fight for each breath I take, one day I will lose the battle.

I will hat to leave this world because it is the only one I know, hopping there is a better place for me out there.

Written by Miss Bobbie Jean Chiasson…

 

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LOVE YOU ALL Miss Bobbie Jean

“Hands helping Hands”

 

I can not help but feel sadden by what is going on in our community in the past few days and weeks. It makes it really hard for me to see the lost that some are forced to endure. None of these people asked for this yet it has been forced on them by Mother Nature. I am sure that they would have much rather not have to deal with it in the first place..

I know that in my heart there would have been a time when I would have reach right out there and did all that I could have, because I know what kind of person I am. It hurts me to know that at this point in my life that I am powerless to do anything. Because of my health and my finical inability, I have been put in a spot that I cannot help with anything, be it physical or financial. All I have left is my pray and I am sure that some of you need a lot more then just that. I have been left with nothing so I know what that feels like, it’s not easy to try and start over again. When one loses everything, even a loved one it gets real hard to deal with.

I have watch as things begin to unfold and people are stepping up to help those in need of help. To stand by their fellow man, to try and make things better. Sometimes just something as small as a hug can make a difference in ones life right now. Now is the time to make that step up and reach out to anyone and everyone that we can to help in some way. Myself, I can only offer my words, hopping that they may touch someone. Its not about race or gender, colors or beliefs, it’s about coming together as a nation and a community. It’s about doing the right thing, just being human.

I have been bless to know and hear of people that are doing just that, “Stepping up to the plate” to help clear and remove the the debris from homes and roads, to help feed those that are working to do this job, be give any kind of help that is needed, it’s like a miracle that is crossing our nation. “Hands helping Hands”

It makes me proud to see my friends on here and their friends and family’s out there giving what they can of themselves to help others in need, I really does have an affect on me knowing that i can’t do anything.

I am lucky to have a group of people like the Hospice group to come over and help me talk about this. My nurse and counselor came by to see if I was ok and ask me about what I was dealing with, when I told them, they told me that I had enough to deal with on my own, that I did not need to be stressed out about not being able to help. My nurse told me that I didn’t need that, so she gave me something else to take and she increased some of my meds. to help me sleep easier, so I would think about all of this.

I can only pray to God for you, that is the best I can do, maybe it is not enough, but it is all I have left to give.

My Prayer to you.

 

I know this will be a long ride,

but always remember that God is by your side.

He is there for you,

it doesn’t matter what you do.

 

Be you black or white,

God will do what is right

He will take you hand in hand

He will help you rebuild this land.

 

He hears our prayers,

as he know we are there.

Yes life most go on,

he is there from dust till dawn.

 

God is an awesome God and he hears my prayers

ans as I have always knew, he is always there.

 

I am Miss Bobbie Jean,

asking that we show humanity for each other in times of need.

Hallelujah

In the wake of the storms that are crossing our great nation, we find that the political wars and natures wrap as torn us apart, we must stand as the great nation that we are, together to make things better to become better human beings, to stand tall and say we are Americans born from the best of the best and we will not rest till this nation is back again at it’s best.

Miss Bobbie Jean, with a dream “One race called the human race”

 

Hallelujah

Let Us Pray!

As I sit here and watch the News around this nation,
sure looks like someone as pissed of Mother Nature.
It’s a mess, All I can do is pray they everyone comes out of this. I can not offer anything but my prayers for all in need of them. This kinda of shows us that life is really to short, so love your family and friends and make the best of it as offend as you can.
Let us pray for those in need.

God we pray to you that you will do what it is you do, make things better for those in need. Amen.

Miss Bobbie Jean.

Just My Point Of View!

 

Sitting here, not being able to fall asleep, I have taken one of my percocet and a shot of morphine to help me breath easier and try to get some rest.

As I sit here I have time to think about all this that is happening to me. I know that I have not lived the best life I could have because of all the BS that I have had to deal with and some of it I maybe could have made easier, but I made the wrong turn on my journey. Sometimes we find ourselves doing something like that, we are not prefect human beings, even though some of us would like to believe that we are. I only know that I have tried hard to be the best I could at everything that I have tried to do. Life is hard and brings with it a lot of challenges, some we can overcome and some we can not. All we can do is the best we can no matter what the end result may be.

I really never though that I would live out a long life, that it would be cut short because of the life style that I have lived. I have always tried to push myself to the fullest of myself whether or not it hurt me in the end or not. I always had to get it done now, I never could wait for help, always trying to do it on my own, without help. Sometimes one can push themselves to far and that is what I have spent most of my life doing to myself. It’s not good for anyone to do that all the time. That is just the way I was brought up, if I wanted it done I had to do it.

I found that I was the same way when it came to showing others what was right and wrong. I found myself putting myself into salutations where I felt that I needed to stand out and show that life is different for everyone, we are not all the same. Like when I knew that I was a transperson and I wanted to live as a woman, I felt that the only way for me was to show my true colors, not thinking about all the stress that I would have to endure by living this way. Sure I knew that there would be some trouble, but I didn’t think that it would consume my life as it did . When people started telling me that I couldn’t live that way, it just made me want to push myself harder and be the best damn woman I could be. It only made my life harder and the stress became more then my heart could deal with, causing me to have a heart attack. Now I have to deal with what is left and just make the best of it. I guest I can say that for the most part I have live out what I wanted to be, I have lived as a woman here in the hardest state I could have live, South. Ga. Even though I could have left from here at anytime, I choose to stay, because I felt that I could do more good here then anywhere else in this country. I can only hope that I have shown enough people and maybe even taught a few that even though we may look different we are all still human beings. There is no reason that things like color, gender or race should bare any difference between us, we are all Gods children. That is what I was taught anyway and that is what I believe. I know that everyone has the right to believe the way they choose to, but it is also my right to live the way I have chosen to.

I am sure that for the most part a lot of people really don’t like the way I live because they feel that they are better then me, well that is also their right, just need to let me be me. I know that my time is just getting shorter as each day goes by and I can’t change that no matter how hard I try. I will be the best I can be till the end. And I want to thank you for being a friend. So with that in mind, I will try now to get some rest for I am beginning to feel it is time.

I want to say thank you for your support and your friendship, because without you here I would have nothing. Because in my real life friends are few and far apart, and there is no family of a sort.

I have lived with this dream, One race called the human race and I will die believing that it will come true someday.

God is on your side, all you have to do is give him a try.

Miss Bobbie Jean

Inspiration!

 

Sometimes we look to others to find inspiration. I know that sometimes it is hard to find that what we all need so bad. It does not come easy in this world we share these days, because there is so much hatred around about anything, like gender, color or race, which puts us all in the spot light.

As a writer and a dreamer, I have always looked for the best in others and have held to that as much as possible, even though that is hard to do most of the time. I try to see what good as come from what this person has done for those in their community and if they have done their best to help others. We all have it in us to do things that can and will benefit others in their life’s, no matter how small it may seen to be.

I try to say something that helps others to get by and try to do better for themselves, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I have been through all kinds of dealings that have put me into a state of depression and I have had to deal with it on my own, because there was no one there for me. I have tried all kinds of meds and at the time, they did nothing for me, it was only my strength that carried me through it. We all share the same strength inside each and everyone of us, some of us are stronger then others so it makes it easier to deal with, but you can do it just as well as we can. My strength comes from believing in God and knowing that he has my back. It does not matter how bad things get, if I pray and believe hard enough he will carry me through whatever I have to deal with, as he will for you. You may not believe in God as I see him to be, but I am sure that you believe in something, so give your trust to whom ever it may be.

I trust that he will show me the way to my happiness and that when my time comes to an end, that he will be there for me, just as he will be there for you. I have found that God is within each and everyone of us, he is our strength and courage, he helps us to endure all that we endure no matter how painful it may be. Faith is a powerful thing if you have true faith.

I know that my time is coming to an end and there is nothing felt anyone can do to help me other then to just make it easier for me to deal with, that is why I have to take so many meds, they are not there to curl me, but just to help me deal with dying. When it get’s to the point where I can not breath for myself all they will do is give me enough morphine to knot me out so I may just pass in my sleep, there will be no machines to help me or no hospital to go to, it will just be over for me. I know that it will not be easy for me, but that is the way it has to be. With my heart infraction down to less then 15% there is nothing they will be able to do to help me, my heart will just stop, it will be over, the end. With that in mind I should be mad at the world, but it is not the worlds fault, it is my own fault. Maybe if I had not lived such a stressful life or may if I had never smoked my life would have been better, but just maybe it was all just meant to be this way.

Today I write to try and see if there is any hope that I can give to you or anyone else out there, maybe by showing the strength and courage that is given to me from God, that someone can benefit from my words.

All I can tell you is there is always hope and there is always someone out there willing to talk with you about what you are dealing with. They are called counselors and they help others like yourself.

Remember to always try and still hopeful and believe that there is some higher force that keeps us moving forward, I call him God.

Be as blessed as I feel I am because when I go, I know I will be sitting with him.

Thank you, Miss Bobbie Jean, with a dream of a better world, one day at a time…

ALL LIVES MATTER”

APPROVAL?

 

It seems that all my life I have tried to do the right thing and meet everyone’s standards. It’s like I have always needed approval from someone for what I do or what I write. It doesn’t matter if I think I have done my best, what does matter is did I do it right enough to meet your approval? I can remember from the time I was just a child and had to be the best at all times, because if I didn’t I would be put in a juvenile home for boys or what they called a reform school back then. It was their way of handling kids that had gotten to old for the system to deal with. Then as a adult I had to do everything to the approval of someone else. If anyone was wrong it has always been me.

Now I am 65 years old and death is knotting at my door, yet I still feel that what I write needs to be approved by someone. I know that sometimes I may write about something that you don’t understand or you just don’t give a damn, well I am sorry for that. You see I can write about all things being bright, but they are not. Life is not just full of ups, sometimes it has more downs. For some people there are very few ups and it makes it even harder when there is no one around to help you deal with the downs.

It has gotten to the point in my life where all I want to do is sleep, because when I am there, I am not worrying about anything else. If you think that being like I am is ok, let me be the first to say, IT’S NOT OK, it really suck being here, and now that I have gotten where I have to depend on someone else to do it for me, or to help me do it myself even makes it hard for me to deal with. If you were to ask me if I am happy, I would have to ask what have I got to be happy about? I can’t do anything or go anywhere, even if I had the money to do what I wanted to do, I still couldn’t do it, so what is there to be happy about?

Sure they say that if I am good and have have met the approval of God that I shall live in eternal life, but that doesn’t help me now, does it? So here I am still waiting to be approved by someone.

I can not help but feel angry sometimes, because of the situation I am in, I know it’s not your fault, but this is the only place I have to vent what I need to say. I know that for the most part I have lived a full life and been around the world, yet I can’t help but feel that my life is being taken away from me and that’s enough to make anyone angry.

Well I have been trying to write this all morning and now it is evening so I better just let it go for now.

I know that I have many reasons why I should be blessed, yet that doesn’t change the way I feel. I don’t want to die, just like anyone else, but there is nothing I can do about it.

Just remember this, what you make of your life is how you will have to live your life. If you make the best of it, then you will get the best in return, but if you just wait for someone else’s approval, you just might be waiting a long time.

Be Blessed by allowing God to do the rest.

Miss Bobbie Jean.