Each day I wake wondering whether or not this will be my last day here with you. I know that it would be easy for me to just give up and end my life, but even though I am dying I still feel like I have something left to give. As I sit here and suffer from the pain, I cannot help but think of those that try to end their live because of what they have to deal with. I have found that there is nothing more precious than life itself. Yes I was one of those that tried to end life and prayed that God would take it from me, but now I only pray for another day to live. We all have problems that cause us to feel that life is not worth living, but even in the up most times, it is. Think about the ones that you would leave behind if you did end your life, how do you think they would feel?
I have been hated and treated with crudity, even to the point of being beat half to death and every time I walk into the public eye I still have to deal with the BS that some choose to show me. What I have learned is that by not trying to control what others may think about me, but to control the way I live my life is all I have to worry about. If they have a problem with me, it is their problem, not mine. Not everyone will like the things you do, or even like the way you are, that is what freedom of choice is all about. They have the right to think and feel the way they want to, just like you have. It is not for us to force ourselves on the world, but to try and teach the world that people are different in many ways. I am proud of who and what I am, I have nothing else to prove to anyone. I have God in my life and if he accepts me as I am, that is all I need.
There are times when I cannot do anything, like today, even though I would love to be able to work in my garden, I cannot because of my health. Do I just stop here, or do I try to fight the feelings of depression and move forward?
Yes I have been bullied and discriminated against all my life, but one cannot allow that to stop you from being who you want to be. I am a true transwoman and I live in the deep south here in America, the land of the free, yet I have no freedom here. At any time I can be told that I cannot shop here because some manger thinks that they are better then I am. I just move on and go somewhere else where my money is just as good as theirs is.
I used to think that some people just hated me because of what I am, or because of the way I dress. What I have found is that the reason they hate me so much, is because I live my life free from the BS and do what is right for me and they cannot do they, so, is it really me they hate or is it because they do not have that same freedom to live their life the way they want to?
Yes it has been a long and hard journey for me here in south Ga. But I would not have traded it for anything. I cannot help but feel that I have made a difference here, even if it is but one person. As they say, if we can only teach one person and they teach another and the chain moves forward, then we have done all we can do.
I know that life is hard and there are days when giving up is what you may feel as being the right thing to do, but it is not, one needs to be strong and live, if not for yourself, but for those around you. I know what it is like not to have family or friends to help and count on, so you cannot tell me about all that love that I have missed from them. The way I look at it is if they cannot accept me as I am, then that is their lost not mine because I have not changed who I am just because of the way I changed what I wear. I still think and feel the same things that I did before. It is not what is on the outside that counts, it is what is in the inside. My mind and my heart is still the same.
I know that you may feel that your world is over and no one cares, but there are people out there that do care, maybe you are just looking in the wrong places.
I ask that instead of trying to end your life that you just try to live your life for yourself, don’t worry about what others will think of you, it is not for you to please them, but for them to please you.
Try as hard as you can to be the best you that you can be for you…….
With love from my heart to yours I pray that you will try harder at loving yourself.
I am Miss Bobbie Jean, with a dream of a better world for all of us to live in.
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