As I work to build my garden that god has allowed me the time to do so, I have found peace with myself. I know that sometimes working with dirt and plants, I put a strain on my body and at the end of the day I can feel the pian that I have to endure. Each day I try to do something more to make it better and more complete, but as you know working with plants, you are never really done. I enjoy working out there, because it takes my mind off of the fact that my time is coming to an end. Next week I will have to be a the doctors all week, so I will not be able to work as much,even though I am running out of time. It is getting colder and I need to get the biggest part of my plants inside before it freeze’s. I was hurting so bad from yesterday hauling all that dirt that I had to take a break today to let my body rest. I could feel the depression setting in, so I went out side and raked up some pine straw to put around the plants that will have to stay outside.
Depression is something that we have in our lives, sometimes it is greater then others and for some of us it is a every day thing. My friend that is also my caregiver has been helping me a lot lately, she does all the house work for me and that is a big help. I know that I could just stop working in the garden and do all those things, but she has allowed me the time to do just what I want to do, she see’s that it has made me happy and it is my last wish. I want her to have part of me here when I die. I know it’s not much, but it is a big part of what I am about. All the plants that are in my garden where going to the dump, but I have hopefully saved their lives and allow them a second chance.
I am still going to the flea market on the weekends and it is so good to be able to talk to others and I also have the chance to feel their love and understanding. I though that every one hated me, only to find out that it is only the ten percent that do, the other 90% have excepted me for just being me. It feels good when some one tells me about some one they know changing their live because of something I wrote or something I have told them.
I have said it time and time again and I will say it now, I am a long way from being prefect, but I do try hard to tell the truth and say what is on my mind. I believe that one can fight depression if one wants to. It would be easy for me to just stop doing anything and sit there doing nothing, dwelling on the BS, but I will fight till the end.
For a long time all I wanted to do was die, but now, all I want to do is live another day, just to work in my garden. God has my life in his hands and I am sure that he knows what he is doing and will take me when he is ready for me.
I know that depression works on each one of us different and the way I deal with my depression may not work for you, so maybe you need to find something just for you to do.
I can only feel that God has blessed me and he is taking care of my needs, as he will take care of yours, but that is between you and God.
Be strong and try to get along.
I am Miss Bobbie Jean wit a dream of a new life, with God.
© 2014 – 2015 Living transgender All rights reserved