Words that so many have fought and died for.
Trying so hard just to get up and move around, my phone has been ringing all morning about doctors and test, three appointments and more test have been scheduled for the next few days..they have added meds. and changed some, I wish All this could just end, I get so tried of fighting. Sometimes the depression takes over and I cannot move because it weakens my soul and spirit, makes me feel that all hope is gone and I have nothing left to live for. It is not my wish to do harm to myself or to just die, but to move on to the next level of evolution into the eternal life, to get away from the pain that we endure as humans here on earth. I know that there is a better place to rest, even if it is just dying. For so long now I have suffered and it only seems to be getting worst for me. I know that I am not alone here and there are many that suffer in some way or another. I can only deal with my own suffering. I can say that if I had the power in me to take your suffering from you and deal with it myself that I would, to bear your hurt and give you some kind of relief I would gladly do that for you. I am not some kind of angel, only wish that I was, but I am one of Gods children and I believe that he has the power to give you what I cannot give you.
I find myself searching for answers to questions that there are none to be found. At least not here on earth anyway.
It is like my blood has been poisoned by the chemicals that I had to deal with in the Vietnam war where there were poisons to kill people and animals, spread all over the place. Now it is eating my up from the inside out and there is nothing they can do about it….When I was 18 and laying on a bed in the hospital the doctor told me then that when I got to be around 60 that my life would begin to fall apart, he knew then what had happen to me and they did nothing back then about it, when they found out that my heath was going bad they released me from the service to keep from having to take care of me. I get nothing from the government for that time in hell.
I am trying so hard to deal with this alone, hoping to get some kind of help from a counselor at behavioral health, but as they have done in the pass they will want to blame it on the fact that I dress as a woman. Well when I was fighting in the blood of my brothers in the mud I was wearing a uniform of green and my blood was red just like theirs was.
I am not sure about what God has in store for me and at this point there is not much I can do about it. Breathing is my main problem right now. Even sitting here doing nothing but typing is hard for me to do, it takes my breath away leaning over my keyboard.
I remember when I was young and had the feelings of wanting to be a girl, but I put them aside to go on with my life, when I got older and could make that choice I did so because I though that my life would be better as a woman then as the man that I had come to know and hated so much, he was a killer and learned to take what he needed to be the man he was. I so hated him and I really thought that I could hide or bury that man in the mirror, only to find out that he was still part of who I am, I can never get rid of him just like he could not have gotten rid of the woman in me.
Today as I sit here alone and knowing that just maybe I could have made the wrong choice, I now cannot change what I have done, nothing will ever be the same anymore.
The family that I had and the friends are gone and I am alone. Sometimes we need to think about what we really think is right for us before we do something that will change our lives forever. I know we say that God loves us all, but what if we are wrong? What if we are left out there in the emptiness of the eternal hell?
I am still asking myself where is my freedom of choice? Why is it because society thinks that I am a monster that I should be treated with no respect and be discriminate against.
I would just like to die in peace without the hatred in my life. Maybe if I could have done my life over I might would have done some things just a little different.
Like I have said before I am not prefect in anyway, this is only my point of view.
Thank you all for sharing my last time here on earth with me and being supportive of me.

My Name is Miss Bobbie Jean and I still have my dream
“ One race called the human race”

Food for though, when you think that all is lost and you have nothing else to look forward to, stop and just look around and you will find someone that is worst than you are, believe me, you will not have to look far.

© 2014 – 2015 Living transgender All rights reserved


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