GIVE ME LIFE!

Please forgive me for showing a sign of weakness at times. I know that with the love and support of my friends here on Facebook and all the other sites that I share my words with, that I will make it through this and be ok. I get a lot of support from people all over the world, from site’s like the Experience Project, where I belong to groups that share in things like depression and many, many others. I am also on Word-press and I have my own site called livingtransgender.info and I am trying to help people to understand what it is like dealing with living as a Trans in the south. Even though I may show a lot of strength, I too can fall into a state of depression and it can and will under-mind all that I do. It will try to take over and subdue me to believing that all is lost and a waste of time to care anymore about anything.

All I have ever wanted was to teach, maybe try to help people to understand what we have to deal with being trans. We are really no different then anyone else except for the fact that we deal with a gender problem. Not knowing what true gender we are. Many of us feel that we were born in the wrong body and only want to be set free to live the way we need to be.
I cannot speak for anyone but myself here, but the most important thing to me was the be able to die with the words (she was a good person and shared her life for the whole world to see.) To die as a woman would have filled my life’s dream, it would have made me whole, but because of the money and my heart this will never happen for someone like me, but there are so many out there that just might get that chance in their lifetime. I am sure that I will not get to see all the changes that will come for the trans community, but they will come.

Like everyone else I though that I still had some time left to look forward to, only to find out that I now have around a year to live and it is going to get rough for me to handle. My health is going down hill fast and hard. They don’t want me to do anything anymore. I have a garden but my doctors tells me to try not to work in it, because the more I do, the more harm I put myself in. I don’t need to do anything that will bring stress into my life and the more I try to do the harder it will be for me to even breath.

All and all I feel good today and I am blessed to feel this way, because so any days I wake only to want to lay in bed and not do anything. I have taken my meds. this morning and I am trying to move around a little, that in itself is hard for me, because I hurt all over. I have to watch myself as to not fall, that would only make things worst. It is days like this that I am thankful that I lived another day. I have walked around my yard enjoying the flowers that I planted and the beauty that God has created for us to see. God is a wonderful thing, and I believe that he has created Mother Nature to give us a place to share with each other. Why is it so hard for people to just except one another and share this place we call home. When God created us we were called the human race, not the white or black or whatever else you people have tried to label us as, we are all part of this human race that God has created. He did not separate us into anything, man has done that. I mean just think about it, do you really think there is a black or a white heaven or maybe there is a heaven for men or maybe just for women, I believe in heaven there is no race or color, no gender, that we are all as one, in the image of God.

I am thank to have friends on here from all over and it is you that give me my strength to carry on. I am hopeful that as my time comes closer to the end that I will understand more about Gods will. I am sure that his plan for me is fulfilling and I am blessed that he has watched over me all these years.

May your day be full of love and joy, with a happiest for above all others.

Written by Bobbie Jean, and yes I have a dream. “ One race called the human race”

© 2014 – 2015 Living transgender All rights reserved

http://livingtransgender.info/index.php

My Secret Garden

This is where I look for peace in my soul and my mind. A place to rest my worn out body and try to make peace with God.

My name is Bobbie Jean and I write to help me deal with things like depression and others things in my life. here are some of the place’s that I post my writings.
EP Link

https://bobbyjeanc.wordpress.com/2015…

http://livingtransgender.info/index.php

https://www.facebook.com/bobbyjean.ch…

TRYING TO UNDERSTAND!

Finding it hard to understand (how should I feel) knowing that my life is ending. I sleep most of the day and night so as to not have to think about it, but when I am up I have nothing else to think about anymore. It’s like what do I do now and why should I do anything for that matter. I am sure that most of you can tell me things that I should be doing and for the most part you could be right in some form or another, but it is hard to understand why my time is up? I know that my life as been hard and most of it really sucked, if I was to try and look back on it, it would be hard for me to find much good in it, even though I have done my best most of it went to shit anyway. I have tried so hard to understand why a God with so much power would allow all this hatred to become part of peoples live’s and to destroy so much. Today there are cities being wiped out with the weather being the way it is and so many having to die. I am sure that for the most part those were good people and more then likely Christians at that, so why would he allow such a thing to happen. Sure I know that you will tell me that God has a plan for us all and I am sure that he does, but it sure wouldn’t hurt if we knew what it was. Everyday I search for God in my own little world and there are answers that I would like to know. 

I was at the doctors office and there was this bile sitting on the table so I opened it up and started to read, but all that I found was someone destroying someone else because they had do something that God did not like, so what I got out of it was that God was a cruel and hateful God, is that the way it is, is that what the good book is telling all these so called Christians to do, is hate and kill each other if they think that it is Gods way. Well, if it is Gods way to teach hatred then I am not sure if I want anything to do with that. To me I believed all my life that God meant to love and understand each other to learn from each other and to teach each other how to share in what this earth has given us and that is life itself. What we get to live with comes from earth not from the heavens. I am sorry if I have offend anyone, but this is my point of view and I have the right to that and no one can take that away from me, they might can take everything else, but not that.
Thank you for your time.

Written by Bobbie Jean, yes I still have a dream, that we can all live the same.

© 2014 – 2015 Living transgender All rights reserved

WHY?

As my days pass slowly by,
I sit here and wonder why?
What have I done?
Why am I chosen to be the one?
The tears fall from my eyes,
Yet still I wonder why,oh why.
I sit here and feel the need to cry.
I am not perfect in any way,
Yet you have chosen to take me away.
I have tried to be strong,
But now it is time for me to move on.
Please Lord take my hand,
Please Lord lead me to that promise land.

Written by Bobbie Jean

© 2014 – 2015 Living transgender All rights reserved

Just another day in my life

I called my mom a couple of days ago, because I wanted to talk to her so bad, not noting what would come of it I took my chances. It was good to talk to her again it had been a long time and when last we talked it was not good for wither of us. The were things said that maybe should not have been, but they were.
It is hard to try and love someone that the only memories one has of them is that they were dragging me across the cane rows back in the 50’s and I was only like 4 years old then and my little brother was only three. She then gave us to the welfare and from that time on, until I was 17 I was under their care which really sucked in those days, like a night mare in most places, I remember living in this place for two years and only being allowed to eat potatoes and that was only once a day at night. But that’s all water under the bridge now, when she found out that I was a transgender the told me that there was no such person in her family like that and that I was not part of that family anymore. Well we talked about all that and now that she has gotten old and really bad sick, she is saying that god is punishing her for the things she did to me. I told her that the only thing that hurt me was the fact that she did not try and protect me from the family, she allow them to talk bad about me and just walk away from me. She was my mother and it was up to her to be the leader there, but she failed me on that part of our lives. I do’t know what it is like to have a real mom that would care for me, so if you do have one that does, love her with all your heart, because you’ll only have one mom in your life time.. I am glad that we talked and maybe we will again, it is sad that we had to come to the end of our lives to get here…..

FREEDOM OF CHOICE’S

Words that so many have fought and died for.
Trying so hard just to get up and move around, my phone has been ringing all morning about doctors and test, three appointments and more test have been scheduled for the next few days..they have added meds. and changed some, I wish All this could just end, I get so tried of fighting. Sometimes the depression takes over and I cannot move because it weakens my soul and spirit, makes me feel that all hope is gone and I have nothing left to live for. It is not my wish to do harm to myself or to just die, but to move on to the next level of evolution into the eternal life, to get away from the pain that we endure as humans here on earth. I know that there is a better place to rest, even if it is just dying. For so long now I have suffered and it only seems to be getting worst for me. I know that I am not alone here and there are many that suffer in some way or another. I can only deal with my own suffering. I can say that if I had the power in me to take your suffering from you and deal with it myself that I would, to bear your hurt and give you some kind of relief I would gladly do that for you. I am not some kind of angel, only wish that I was, but I am one of Gods children and I believe that he has the power to give you what I cannot give you.
I find myself searching for answers to questions that there are none to be found. At least not here on earth anyway.
It is like my blood has been poisoned by the chemicals that I had to deal with in the Vietnam war where there were poisons to kill people and animals, spread all over the place. Now it is eating my up from the inside out and there is nothing they can do about it….When I was 18 and laying on a bed in the hospital the doctor told me then that when I got to be around 60 that my life would begin to fall apart, he knew then what had happen to me and they did nothing back then about it, when they found out that my heath was going bad they released me from the service to keep from having to take care of me. I get nothing from the government for that time in hell.
I am trying so hard to deal with this alone, hoping to get some kind of help from a counselor at behavioral health, but as they have done in the pass they will want to blame it on the fact that I dress as a woman. Well when I was fighting in the blood of my brothers in the mud I was wearing a uniform of green and my blood was red just like theirs was.
I am not sure about what God has in store for me and at this point there is not much I can do about it. Breathing is my main problem right now. Even sitting here doing nothing but typing is hard for me to do, it takes my breath away leaning over my keyboard.
I remember when I was young and had the feelings of wanting to be a girl, but I put them aside to go on with my life, when I got older and could make that choice I did so because I though that my life would be better as a woman then as the man that I had come to know and hated so much, he was a killer and learned to take what he needed to be the man he was. I so hated him and I really thought that I could hide or bury that man in the mirror, only to find out that he was still part of who I am, I can never get rid of him just like he could not have gotten rid of the woman in me.
Today as I sit here alone and knowing that just maybe I could have made the wrong choice, I now cannot change what I have done, nothing will ever be the same anymore.
The family that I had and the friends are gone and I am alone. Sometimes we need to think about what we really think is right for us before we do something that will change our lives forever. I know we say that God loves us all, but what if we are wrong? What if we are left out there in the emptiness of the eternal hell?
I am still asking myself where is my freedom of choice? Why is it because society thinks that I am a monster that I should be treated with no respect and be discriminate against.
I would just like to die in peace without the hatred in my life. Maybe if I could have done my life over I might would have done some things just a little different.
Like I have said before I am not prefect in anyway, this is only my point of view.
Thank you all for sharing my last time here on earth with me and being supportive of me.

My Name is Miss Bobbie Jean and I still have my dream
“ One race called the human race”

Food for though, when you think that all is lost and you have nothing else to look forward to, stop and just look around and you will find someone that is worst than you are, believe me, you will not have to look far.

© 2014 – 2015 Living transgender All rights reserved
http://livingtransgender.info/index.php

Gods Will

Sometimes God choose’s us to do things that we are not award of. I know that I am here dealing with death and sometimes it gets hard to deal with, because I am only human and the pain and suffering is hard to deal with. We all ask ourselves and we ask God why do we stay here, what is the big picture? I have been fighting for the rights of trans people here in south Ga. for years and I can still be banned from anyplace here that they choose to. I have no rights here what so ever as a transwoman. I am hated here in the trailer park where I live and I see it everyday. I have tried to be nice and greet everyone with a smile and a hello, but all they do is turn their heads and act as though they did not even see me, that is so sad that people have to act that way. I have not done anything to them.
I am sure that God will show me the right way and the reasons that he keeps me here in his own time and his time is eternally. Yes I am afraid and if anyone say’s that they are not afraid of dying they are lying to you, because everyone in their right mind is afraid.
As a teacher I also must learn as a friend said, maybe God is teaching me something that I still need to take care of. I know that I cannot hate my haters and that I can forgive all those that have wronged me in my lifetime. To forgive takes much less energy then it does to hate.
As for my mom, I have tried to forgive her three times in the past, but she does not except me for me, but I am still wanting to call her and try one more time. I cannot control what the rest of the family does, but that is their lost because I have tried to be part of that family for many years to no end…..
I have lived a hard life as a transwoman here in the hell hole, but maybe I have helped someone see the difference between me and the monsters under their beds.