For a long time now I would wish that I would just die so that I would not have to deal with all the BS that I deal with just to be a transwoman. Now I don’t think it is as important to me to be a trans as it is just to live. Hell it would be easy to just die, but to live is a different thing, I guest one does not realize that until they have been told they are going to die, and yes we are all going to die at one point or another, but when your Cardiologist tells you that anyone with congestive heart failure as bad as mine usually only lives about five years and I have live 13, kinda makes one wonder about things like God. I am not sure why God would want to keep someone like me here. Is it because I have been a bad person and he feels the need to punish me or is it because there is still something that I most do to earn that right to die and live with him eternally. I am not sure which one is the right answer and I don’t know if I will ever know that. I know that it gets harder to live and breath more and more each day. I am not all that much into wanting to just die now, more into the wanting to live thing. Maybe it is because of the feeling I get when I can not catch my breath of air and I can feel the chains of death weighting upon my chest.