Sitting here because I was having trouble getting to sleep, finding a need to try and write a little. Sometimes I find it better just to get up and write rather then lay there and allow me mind to be filled with nothing but BS and most of the time that is all it is BS because most of it doesn’t make any sense anyway.
For the most part I really don’t think that we know who is to blame for what we deal with today in this screwed up world we live in, I know I don’t anyway. Sure I have a lot to blame it on for the way I am now. But in the end it is only me that can do anything about it.
What is it that we can do to try and help ourselves feel better? Well, I like to write and sometimes if I can get my head out of my self pity and sit at my PC then I can give it a shoot. Maybe if I am lucky it will help, if nothing else maybe help me fall to sleep better. Maybe you can try reading or something that would take your mind off of what you are dealing with. We all have our own way of dealing with things.
Part of me wants to blame my mother and family for some of what has happen to me, part wants to blame the government and part blaming the women in my life, but none are really to blame for the crap I have had to deal with. More then likely I was born on the wrong day, at the wrong time of the day and in the wrong place, so there is nothing that I can really blame all this on.
I have more than likely just been dealt a bad hand and all I can do is live with it. Not all of us are born with that silver spoon in our mouth. Even though I have had to work hard all my life, I still end up with not much of anything, yet I am not alone and like many others we still fight just to get a breath of fresh air from time to time.
Today I finally managed to get myself out of bed and out to the supermarket to get me some food, it’s been a couple of weeks sense I have been out of most everything. Sometimes its hard for me to do that now, with my health getting worst and mentally just being tried of dealing with all these people here. I get tried of fighting for my rights just to be able to live and go out in public anymore. I should not have to do that, I have already fought that battle, so I though. I had truly believed that when I was fighting in Vietnam I was fighting for my rights to live free and have the freedom of choice, but I was wrong then.
I have been taking my pills just like my doc said to, don’t like to, but I must for my own good.
They think that I may be sick.
My medical problems
Anxiety, Congestive heart failure,Abdominal pain
Spinal stenosis,Hypertensive disorder
Chronic gastritis,Erosive esophagitis
Abdominal bloating,Depressive disorder
Nonulcer dyspepsia,Neck pain,
Prostate specific antigen abnormal
Lactose intolerance,Epigastric pain
Acute retention of urine,Cardiomyopathy
Chronic pain syndrome,Chronic prostatitis
Spinal stenosis in cervical region,Constipation
Gastroesophageal reflux disease,Dyspnea on exertion
Barrett’s esophagus with esophagitis,Asthenia
Degeneration of intervertebral disc
Diffuse disease of coronary artery
Benign prostatic hyperplasia,Osteoporosis
And I wonder why I stay in bed all the time..
Sometimes I wonder if I will make it or not for another day and sometimes I hope that I don’t. Being sick all the time is not fun for anyone to have to deal with and I hate myself for getting this way. Just last year I could walk 20 miles just to do it, now I can’t even walk around the block most of the time and really I don’t care to for the most part. I have found it to be much easier to just hide here in my home.
Yes depression is a powerful thing and can and will take over one’s life if they allow it to. Sometimes I feel that I have done that, but every now and then someone say’s something to me that makes me want to fight just a little longer, I guess that is what a true friend would do for you.
Like I have said, it is easy to put the blame for your depression on someone else or something else, but it really just comes down to you, Why are you depressed and what will you do to make your life better?
Thank you for reading what I write and I love your support.
Thought for today is to be strong in what ever you want to do with your life, you can do it and you are never as alone as you may think you are, you do have friends out there………
I am Miss Bobbie Jean and yes I have a dream, one race called the human race……..