Good morning ,

I am sorry but I have not been feeling like writing lately or much of anything else here. I am cold (like 25 degree’s)and depressed about being a failure in this life I have chosen to live. I know that things can and maybe will get better for me, I am strong and willing to work at it, but I feel sometimes that I should have made better choices. I like to write a lot and I write about depression to try and help myself and those around me that are feeling that way themselves. Yet it is hard for me to write about something like that when I am the one feeling the depression. I have not been to most of my doctors lately because I am so tired of them telling me what is wrong with me, I know I am dying, and they just make it worst every time I speak with them. Like, do I really want to know if I have cancer now? I don’t think so. just let it go.. because even if I did there would be nothing they could do about it anyway. I think for the most part I am just tired of fighting a useless battle about being what I am here in south Ga. I would have been better off if maybe I would have just left here and went somewhere and lived my life for me, instead I stayed here where I was not wanted and really hated to try and teach people that we are all different in our own ways. Just because someone is different does not mean that they are harmful or monsters that will hurt them. True I am a Transgender person and I have to live this way, just like they are a redneck and they feel they have to live their way, yet I don’t hate them for that, I only dislike them when they think they have the right to judge me.

I cannot blame anyone for the life that I have led here in Ga. It was my choice to stay here and try to make a difference, if I have not then it is my fault if I have failed. I have suffered dearly because of the choice that I made being raped and have been run out of my home then my tries being cut has cost me a lot of money. It toke me a year to be able to afford to replace the tries on the car. I have had to put a fence around my trailer to protect the vehicles, hopefully it will work. 16 tries is a lot to lose. I see where they have organizations that help people like me in other place’s but there is nothing here to help me. I get really tired of fighting this battle alone. It would be nice to know that there is someone out there to help or just to talk with sometimes. Maybe that is one of the reason I get depressed. It is sad that I cannot even go to the flea market and try to sell some of my junk to help make ends meet, because some jackass does not like the way I dress.
I know that my problems are just that, my problems, but you are the only friend that I have to talk to so there it is.
I have lived a hard life fighting for my rights just to live here. I always believed that one was entitled to live the way they chose to, but I was wrong. It looks like we are only allowed to live the way society wants us to live.

Well I have taken my anti-depression pills along with my pain pills so it is kicking in and I feel like laying down for a while.
Thank you for reading this if you have made it this for.
I have not just given up yet, even though I have thought about it a lot, maybe it is because I am a coward and cannot commit to suicide because it takes a lot of courage to do something like that, that means that those that have done it were not weak,just tired of the Bullshit from their peers.

I find that sleeping is my way of not having to deal with anything.
I am what I am, I live as a Transwoman in a world where I am hated and have no support what so ever.


3 thoughts on “THE WAY I FEEL

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