I am sitting here most of the time dealing with so much that I am taking some meds. to clam me down and allow me to try and relax, but at the same time they make me feel confused, dizzy, and weak all the time, not wanting to do anything. Now on top of that they are wanting to add an antidepressant pill. They say that the depression may be causing the swelling in my abdomen, right, because my body can’t deal with everything that is wrong with it. Just more BS as for as I can tell, they don’t have a clue as to what is wrong.
There are many times when I have though of just trying to end my life. It would be easy to just get myself all dressed up and lay in my bed and take all my pills at one time. As I lay there my thoughts would be of what I am leaving behind. I am sure that someone would miss me and maybe someone would blame themselves about my death, yet maybe no one would even care, I am not sure how that would turn out.
Death is only one way to try and deal with depression, but it is also the wrong way, in the end you are the loser there. When I feel like that, I sit and try to deal with what has caused me to feel that way, what has brought me to that point in my life?
Sometimes I sit and write, but I am one of the lucky ones, because not everyone can do that. I am sure that many of you are not sure what to do. Well the best way is to say what is on your mind and it does not matter where you say it, someone will see it and hopefully try to help.
I have said before that I am not some kind of counselor and I do not clam to know everything there is to know about depression but I deal with it everyday of my life.
Just like right now. I am sitting here thinking about my surgery for tomorrow. In less than 24 hours I will be put to sleep and someone will take a knife and cut into my throat to work on my spine. If you think that I am not afraid, you are wrong, yes I am. It does not matter how bad I want to die, I just don’t want to suffer when I do.
I truly believe that I get my strength from my friends that support me in what I do. I know then that I am not alone and someone does care about me. To get a response is an honor and brings me hope.
I fight this battle alone as I sit here everyday, I speak to no counselor or anyone to help me with my depression. It is an endless battle for some of us, never seeing the light of day. That is why sometimes we believe that death would be better than life itself.
I was talking to this nurse in pre-op yesterday and the more we talked about my heath history the more I realized just how many times God has saved my life to make it to this point. She even ask me just how many of my 9 lives do I have left, like a cat with their 9 lives I have lived many of mine.
I cannot tell you that you will overcome your depression, but I can tell you that there is help out there for you. Never be afraid to ask for help, sometimes it is the only way.
This is my advice to you, live your life for yourself first. Always be true about who and what you are. People will only trust you if you can trust in yourself. I am a Transgender living in a straight world where I am hated for just being myself, yet I have endured this life because I have always believed in myself. This is my life and only God can judge me in the end, and I really want to meet him.
Yes, I fight depression daily and I will win in the end as will you.
My name is Miss Bobbie Jean and I have a dream……..