Somehow it feels like all my life God has watched over me and protected me from death, yet he has allowed me to endure the suffering of a life time. Today as I sit here, I cannot help but wonder why would God want to save someone like myself? For the most part I would like to think that I have done my best to do what I would think to be right, but who am I to say what is right or wrong in Gods eyes, for only he can see that. I know that we are given a set of rules to try and live by and that is what makes us who we are in society’s eyes. If we choice to stray away from those rules then we become shun from this society. I find myself today living in a world of misunderstanding and discrimination because I have chosen to stray away from what society wants me to be. I have come to live my life for myself and what I think was best for me and my health. Yes I was born as a male in the eyes of society, but never have I wanted to live that way. Even as a child in school before I stepped out into the world I knew that I was different as to the fact that I did not want to be a male. Today when I tell people that I joined the Marines to go to Vietnam just so I would be killed by an enemy I did not know, they do not understand. I knew then that I would never be accepted here as a woman in the eyes of this society that we call America. I would never be free here. Many times my life was put in Gods hands over there and never did he turn his back on me. It did not matter what I wanted, it was not what he had in mind for me. I was only 18 years old then and now I am 63 years old and as I sit here I still do not know what he wants from me.
It is easy for one to say, Yes I believe in God, but it is much harder for one to believe this is true within themselves. As I sit here now I cannot help but feel I am missing that pure love that one should have with God, I do not know him as well as one should. It does not matter how hard I try I cannot find it in my heart to know that I am here for him as he was there for me.
As I laid in my bed I was wondering what it was that I kept feeling I was missing and all I could think of was that it was God in my life. What had I done wrong as to not feel his presents in my life? Why is it as our lives get closer to an end that we feel this way, what are we afraid of that makes us want him more then any other time in our lives?
I have tried to pray about this, but praying was never one of my strong points in my life. Not that I feel like prayer is useless, it is that for the most part people only use it to help them in one way or another. Maybe I am just old fashion when it comes to praying, I think that it is something that should have been done all along not just when someone needs his hand over them to help them.
As I sit here and think of my life as it passes in front of me, I can see where for the better part of my life, that it has not been that God was not with me, it is that the so called people that make up this society of Christians that are my real enemies not God. He has never let me down and even today when I ask, what is it that he wants from me? This is what he wants from me and this is the only answer that I can find. He wants me to endure his love for me, so that in the end I have done what he has asked of me.
God did not make me prefect because he did not want me that way. He made me, me so that you would except me this way. I cannot be who I am not, even if I don’t fit into your society.
Today I don’t ask God to forgive me for what I have done wrong in this life, but to accept me for what I have done right in his eyes, not yours, because my life belongs to him in the end for he giveth and he shall taketh.
We were put here to learn to endure Gods love here on earth so that we can sit with him in heaven in the end.
Written by a soul wanting to be filled with Gods true love,
Written by Bobbie Jean with a hand from above.
What I write is for me, to help me deal with the depression that I deal with to endure the life that I have chosen to live and share with you here and in the world. I do not ask you to judge me, for it is not for you to do so. Only Gods holds that right. I may not live the life you feel that I should and yes you have the right to believe in what you choose to, as do I. May your life be full of your dreams……….I am Bobbie Jean.