Help

In my life, I have traveled around the world, I have seen more than most of you will ever see. I have done things that most of you will never do. Some have been bad and some have been good, some I wouldn’t do over even if I could.

Today I sit and wonder about all those times that have gone by. Somethings we can easily understand and some things we never know what or why that were part of our lives.

People tell me about God. That God is there for me, only if I choose to open that door and allow him into my heart and soul.

I would like to say that yes I believe in God, but I can not say that and mean it with an open heart. I can not feel Gods love inside my heart and mind.

I know that I have had a hard life, some of you would never understand the things that I have had to deal with, not just now, but from the very beginning of my being.

Most of you had the chance to come up in a world full of love and joy. People caring for your every need. When things like Christmas came around your life was great. You got what you wanted and you were happy about it. Hell I didn’t even know what Christmas was till I was 13 and then it still was nothing but BS to me.

Anyway, That is nothing but carp anyway.

It is like for some reason I was born into a world of hatred and misunderstanding. My parents wanted nothing to do with me, so they gave me up to the welfare.

The welfare didn’t know what to do with me, so they just moved me from one place to another. I lived in 7 foster homes in 10 years. They told me it was my fault because I was a boy and no one wanted a boy. That was why my own mother gave me up in the first place. She kept the girls, why didn’t she give them up???

I have been in about three or four relationships with others only to end up alone. For some reason I was never good enough for these people, because they thought they were better than me or they got all they wanted from me and left.

Today I spend a lot of time thinking about what I have done to help others like myself. I believe that for the most part I have help in making this world a better place for some. Even though it has been hard on me, I feel that by me dressing the way I have done has allowed others here to see that we are different in many ways. I am not black or yellow green and blue, I am not fat or thin, but I am who I am. I am a women trapped in a mans body and I can not change that. I dress as a women everyday of my life and that I will not change. When I walk out into the public eye I show them my true self, I do not lie. I have bee hated for just being me. That does not matter anymore. I will die being me.

I am sure that I have as much of a shot at heaven as anyone else. So let God be my judge and as I have told my friend that cares for me, please dress me and make me as pretty as can be, so if I go to hell I will be dressed to kill.

My doctors ask me if I deal with depression and I have to say, yes I do. When they ask what do I do to help me deal with it, I tell them I write, I write about the way I feel to help me and somehow maybe help someone else. Knowing that you have depression is one thing, but being able to deal with it is something else. I have learned that by writing, it has given me an outlet. A means of saying what I need to say without sitting in front of someone. It allows me time to think about what I am dealing with and face it head on. The truth is, I have lived my life the way I have chosen to, I can not blame anyone else for that. I am dying and there is nothing I can do about that either. What I can do is embrace my faith and live for myself.

I cannot walk in your shoes to know what you deal with just like you cannot walk in mine. Each of us has to live the life we were given to live and no two people were given the same life. That is what makes us individual, that is what makes us different.

Though for today.. I know that sometimes it is hard for me to write about the way I am feeling, so I know that it is hard for you to deal with your depression also. I can only write what I feel, maybe you should write about the way you feel.

As much as I want to die and go home, I also want to live on. I cannot have them both, so I have chosen to allow my creator take me when he is done with.

My name is Miss Bobbie Jean and I will always have this Dream.

ONE RACE CALLED THE HUMAN RACE”

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Living Through My Eyes!

 

 

 

 

heart

Well, I have seem two Doctors this week and have another one to see today. I have to take the Epidural injection next week to help the middle of my back, but the real problem is with my neck. He looked at the MRI that I had done and said that I would need surgery to fix that. We will talk more about it in two weeks after I take the shot. I have to see a urologist today something about my blood work on my prostate, not sure what is going on there. The trouble is that no one has found out what the swelling and the pain is in my abdomen. it is like no one knows what is causing it. I don’t understand with all this modern day medicine and all the pictures they have taken, why can’t anyone tell me what it is? It’s like they can stand there and see it, feel it and still can not point it out.

It is no wonder why I feel so depressed at times. I can not help but feel that every time I go to my doctors they find more wrong with me. It is like my insides are dyeing and there is nothing anyone can do. I look around and all I see is medicine bottles all over the place, every time I go the doctors someone changes the dosage or the kind I am taking. It is hard to keep them straight. But I have nothing for the depression that I have to deal with. I am on my own there.

My friend gets mad at me because sometimes I just get tried of taking all this carp and I will not take them for a day or so. She tells me that I should take them everyday if I want them to help me, the thing is that I am tried of living like this and I want to let go. If only I had the strength to quit than I would not have to worry about any of this shit anymore. But I am weak and can not take my life, because it would be wrong in the eyes of god, so I am told.

For the most part the stress is more than I can handle at times. I am still trying to talk to the law about my tires that where cut and they still have done nothing. They have two suspects but that is about as far as they have gotten. I feel that there will be nothing done about it in the end. That is the answer all the time anyway. It will end up being my fault because of the way I have chosen to live my life. I should know better than to dress as a woman when that is the way I feel inside.

I am sitting here as I write and wait for it to be time to go. I am sure that He will want me to do more test, because that is what doctors do. They want you to get test just for them, it does not matter how many you have already taken. I have given enough blood that they should be paying me for it, but they all have their own little test they want to run.

I am a little worried about going to a new doctor, it is always hard the first time. There will be someone that will want to be rude toward me and I will just tell them if they don’t want my business let me know and I will gladly move the hell on. I have learned one thing about places, if they don’t want my money I can give it to someone else that will want it. If they want my respect, they have to earn it from me by respecting me as well.

Some times it is hard for me to fight this depression that takes hold of me. That is when all I want to do is lay down and try to sleep. Hiding from all that is around me. My friend is mad at me and yells a lot at me because she is angry at me for being sick all the time. I don’t think that she really means to be angry, just it is hard on her having to deal with someone like me. A care takers job is not an easy one. They have to be prepared to do what ever needs to be done for the person they are caring for. Some times it takes up part of their lives as well, so it is hard for them to plan anything for themselves. She is really good to me, just angry at me. Must of the time she is the one that catches all the hell from me when things are not going right for me. I have no one else to yell at but her, so I blame everything on her.

My life has not been an easy one. I have know pain for must of it and looks like things will only get worst for me. It seems like that they could try and make you feel more comfortable before you die so that is will be easier to deal with. But then again maybe that is all they are trying to do.

I know that my time is getting short, but I also know that I don’t want to hurt everyday till it comes. I need a break from all this pain.

I will leave you now with this though for the day. Depression is a problem that can not be dealt with alone. Get help from someone.

Written by a soul that needs to go home..

I am Bobbie Jean and I have a dream of a better world….

PS

I just got back from my doctors and now I have to worry about prostate cancer. My blood count on my PSA was much to high, so I have to take more meds for two weeks then do another blood count and if it is still to high he will be looking for cancer. Like I said it seems like every time I go to a doctor there is more wrong with me. I got two new meds today……