Sometimes I find myself not able to write. I mind is so confused, not knowing what to put on paper. I am taking all my meds. , for a change, seeing if that will help me. The pain that I endure on a daily bases is hard to deal with . My doctor has put me on a nerve pill called neurontin, it helps, but sometime it takes away from what I need to do, like it gets in the way.
All I know is that if I allow it to, it can and will put me in a state of depression. I have never been a person that come deal with it because I am weak on the inside. I know that I have to show those around me that I am strong, but sometimes I to fall and need to cry a tear. The truth is that sometimes I believe that being dead would be better, but to commit suicide is wrong and if you believe in God it is a sin to do such a thing.
I believe that one can and will live forever in the hearts and minds of all they have touched, that is why I try my best to touch someone with a little kindness and respect. I don’t want anyone to remember me because I was cruel to them and just hate me forever.
Have you ever felt like the walls around you are falling down? You are shut down, not knowing what to do at this point in your life. You are thinking that all is lose and you will never find your path to your journey. You are not alone, many have reached that same point in their lives. That is when you must take hold of yourself. Stop and look around try to get your focus back, tell yourself you can and will do this. There is always someone out there to talk to. I know that at that point nothing and no one else matters, but it does. I am here like many others like me that has had to deal with depression. Believe me,at 63 I have had to deal with it many times.
As a transwoman and being different keeps me in a state of depression.
My life has gotten to the point, that about all I can do now is sit in front of my computer and write or play cards. I am not able to get around much anymore. I walked yesterday around the part here where I live and it hurt so bad when I got about half way, I was moving very slow. I was not sure if I would make it back, but I did and I paid for it all day.
Just last year I was walking miles on trails and on the river walk, but now I would not make it. My health has gotten so bad that sometimes I will not even show a photos of myself, I am not proud of me right now. I can’t even wear most of my clothes anymore and my shoes are much to tight because of the fluid in my feet. So I have much to be depressed about. I live on the pills that I have to take, sometimes when my depression is strong, I will not take them and that is not good, the only one that it hurts is myself. I lose then, and depression wins.
I try hard to see the good out there, to find something that has happen to improve someones life. I know that can be hard to do, because they only like to show the bad.
I am in so much pain sitting here that it is hard to write, but I must, I write for you as I am living my life to the end and it is coming soon for me. More than likely I’ll be in a wheelchair soon, just to get around.
As I sit I wonder about things like God and the ever after. What will it be like? Will we really be free from all this that we deal with here on earth? I am listening to K-Love and found that it does help me to feel that love that I will get when I get there. It all sounds so Heavenly.
Sometimes I feel like my body is tried and broken, but my mind is still full of life, like it will go on forever. Like the energy will travel on to the next world.
The point of all this is to show you that you are not alone when you are feeling down and broken. You have the power to deal with it and you can and will overcome what ever it is that you may be enduring. Look into that mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful and that you are strong. You will beat this depression.
There is no one out there that can said that I have nothing to be depressed about. I have more then most, but there are those that feel that have nothing left to care about, there is always something to care about. Even if you have lost someone as I have done you can overcome.
I know I can not cruel depression, but having to deal with it every day of my life I have tried hard to learn how to deal with it.
I will leave you with these words.
Always smile and never allow anyone to see your tears, they will only take that as a sign of weakness.
I love you all and I hope that some how you can find yourself.
Written by a person that deals with depression all the day as they pass by.
I am Bobbie Jean, Yes I have a Dream
“ ONE RACE CALLED THE HUMAN RACE”
A PLACE WHERE THERE IS NO HATRED AND DISCRIMINATION.
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