It’s 4:00am here where I live and I am up watching my van to protect it from anyone cutting my tires again. I have been thinking about how to deal with such a thing, Hatred is a strong feeling that drives someone into a state of ignorance, bigotry and discrimination. It can make someone do most anything to show that hatred.
The thing that I have to do, is to not do the same thing, be a better person then what they have become. Be stronger and not feel the same way. Stay above that level of what it is to hate someone just because they have chosen to hate me. I don’t really know what has caused them to hate me as they do, I have done nothing but try to be that best me I can be.
Living as I do has not been an easy task for me here in south Ga. I stand out from their norm of what I am suppose to look like. They think that I am a male so I should dress as one. I am a transgender that lives as a woman, because that is what my mind tells me I am. I am treated as a woman when I go to the Doctors and when they show me that what I deal with is the same as any woman deals with that makes it even more proof that I am a woman. So as far as I can tell I am a woman.
20 years ago my counselor told me that from what he could see, all I needed was to do the surgery and become what I really was inside of me. “A WOMAN”
I talk about depression and what it can do to someone like myself and others like me. I have had to put myself in lock down in a mental ward to to protect myself from me. I knew that I could not deal with this alone so I asked for help and did not get it. The only way I had was to admit that I had a problem dealing with what I was becoming just so I could get help here in this place I live. Here I am the outsider I do not belong here as far as they can tell. So I don’t just deal with who I have become, I also have to deal with the haters out there. I have come to love the woman in me, I try hard to stand tall and proud of who I am. I have no shame about it. I live everyday for myself.
Sometimes I find it hard to even write because of the things that I have to deal with, when my doctor tells me that he has to rethink about what he can do for me, or when he tells me that there is nothing that he can do now but try to make me as comfortable as he can, to be able to deal with the pain and suffering. When he asked me if I had 6 months left to live would I want 3 months of comfort as to the full 6 month suffering, I said the 3 months. One never knows just how short life can be till they are told that they are dying, then it becomes a reality.
I try hard to show myself as being strong, not allowing my enemies to see the tears that I shield. In real life they only want to see you smile because deep down no one cares about what you are dealing with, they don’t want to know, because inside of them, they have there own problems to deal with.
I have never thought of myself as being a perfect human being, but I am the best that I can be even though times get hard for me I still have to stand tall out in public. I have always though of the world as being my stage. When I walk out there it is like walking the runway and allowing all out there to see me shine and shine I do. There is nothing wrong with being different, it is not a crime unless you live in south Ga. that is. “LOL”
So I have tried to write some thing to help me through my day and maybe I have written something that might help you.
Remember that depressions can and will control you, if you let it, you most stay in control of it, be strong, you are not as alone as you may think you are. I love you and many out here will love you the same way. If you are reading this, that means you have an account here, just write a question as to what you are dealing with, I am sure that someone will try to help and support you. Because supporting people is what this is suppose to be about.
“THOUGHT FOR TODAY”
Always Remember to stand tall, and shine your brightness every time you walk in public, never let them see your tears.
Written by someone that has a dream of a better world for all of us.
Written by Bobbie Jean with a dream
“ One race called the human race”
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