Sitting here again in the dark, it’s 4 am, waiting for a new day to come upon us, up because of the itching that has not stopped. I have started a new steroids pack that my doc. called in for me. Still taking the other pills for the itching, but it has not stopped as of yet. I think that is is spreading, now I have more on my arms and my thighs are itching as well. Last night around 11 I was having such a hard time breathing because of the pain in my abdomen, that I was thinking about going to the ER again. That was the only thing in my head. Not sure what they could do anymore, give me something for pain that would knock me out, that is about it. I have not gotten any word about my MRI yet. When I talked to the nurse, she told me that Doc. had not said anything to her about it, that was on Monday.
I can not help but wonder what and why is this all happening to me? Not a year ago I was out climbing trails and dancing, walking for miles, wearing sexy skirts and high heels, today I can hardly walk much at all and damn sure don’t even feel sexy, much less like wearing high heels. It is like I am becoming what I have always feared the most. Getting old is not something I wanted to do. When they told me I would die around 60, I had excepted that because that would have been about right for me. We try to walk every other day in the park here. Maybe try two blocks, they are not large blocks, but even then I hurt so bad before I can get back to the house. It shows me that I am not the person I was just a year ago.
I really try to understand the reasons for all this that is going on with me, even though I cannot help but wonder if this is my payback. I am sure that as a human being there were times in my life that I too, said or did something to someone that hurt them and their feelings, even if they had started it, it still did not give me the right to judge them. “Two wrongs does not it make one right.” There are times even the way I have chosen to live my life style has cause me to wonder. Am I paying for that, is God telling me something that I don’t want to hear or maybe except? We tell ourselves that living as a woman is not a choice, but in reality is it a choice that we have chosen to make. No one has forced us to live this way. I know that myself, I have talked about living as a transgender is not a choice, because it it something that is inside of me, in my head and my body. My mind tells me that I am all woman, so am I all woman? I have tried so hard to be just that, all the woman I can be, for what? It has cost me everything that I had, my family and friends, my home and jobs. It has drained me of all my savings and it does not stop there. Today they are passing more laws to keep us out of places that we need to go to shop. Have you ever been banned form a place? I have more than once. Don’t get me wrong, I have lived that life that I had longed, but at what cost?
I truly believe that part of the reason I live this way is because someone is always trying to tell me that I don’t have the right to dress the way I do, screw you, I have the right to dress anyway I have chosen to as long as it does not show any kind of nudity. Wearing a dress is not wrong, it is something that men have done all along. Look back in time, around the world and even today, men still wear dresses their way.
But back to the real point of my story this morning, Is God Paying me back? Am I dealing with all this because of the life style I have chosen to live? Am I doing something wrong here? I can not help but think about all these things and wonder if there was something that I could have changed to make my life better today?
I know that I have said “I am a soldier that is fighting for the rights of anyone that cannot stand up for themselves, well even soldiers need help sometimes.
Thank you for spending some of you time with me here, It is you that I have fought for all these years. Just for your right to live.
I am Bobbie Jean with a dream.
“ONE RACE CALLED THE HUMAN RACE”