This is the way I really feel……06/26/2014

I find myself troubled and not knowing what to do about it. I have been dealing with so much in my life that I am not sure if it is worth all this anymore. I sometimes feel that it would be so mush easier to just to give up on life. I wonder what it would be like to be dead sometimes? I know that it is wrong to talk like this, but when life gets to the point where you live more in pain then out of pain, it will make you think about death. I have always been told that taking your life is a sin and one would surely go to hell. What if this is my hell that I am living in now? What if I am paying for the wrong that I have done in this life right here and now? So if this is my hell then there is nothing after this. I would just be dead, not in pain not waiting to die, not being miserable everyday. I know that it is wrong wanting to give up, I really don’t want to get any older if this is what getting older is going to be like for me. I see people out there fighting to just get by, I live in a state of poverty barely making ends meet, sometimes we have to do without because I run out of money, when that happens what we do without is food.
I don’t get to enjoy things like new shoes or clothes anymore. We don’t go anywhere now, unless it is to my doctors or the Save-A-Lot. We shop at the Dollar store because I can’t afford nothing more. The savings that I had put away went to tries that someone thought I needed to buy, I still don’t know why. I get so tried of dealing with all this and my life really sucks sometimes. Maybe I am lucky that I still breath and I can be on here to share my thoughts and feelings. I am feeling so damn depressed that it makes me cry. Sometimes I don’t take my meds. hoping that I would just stop breathing and maybe not wake-up one morning, that would be the way I would want to go. I know that for the most part I have been put here and saved for a reason, I just wish I could do what it is that God wants me to do so I could go home. I want to sit on that bench and fish for a while and watch as the clouds pass me by.
I just had a birthday and I was alone here with Jackie, my family did not call or send me a card. I know that some of you think that I am nothing but a waste of your time, maybe I am, but it is my time too. I have never liked to lie about anything if I could help it and if you think that being me is easy then you are wrong, I have to try and live everyday of my life showing that I am strong, never letting anyone see me cry, sometimes I have to ask myself WHY? There are people just like me that live right here in the same park that we live in, but they will not even stop and talk to me, because they don’t want anyone to know that they know me, That is so screwed up. Why is it ok for me to stand up for their rights to be free when they don’t even care about me. I know that I am the one that is suppose to make a difference, and I am sure that sometimes I do. What I don’t understand is why it does not matter about me, I have feelings as well as the next guy. I hurt and feel depressed from time to time, and I too need help. I need that inspiring word from someone that understands what I am dealing with. I have a few out there that come to me when I post something and do their best to try and help me, but it is not always enough, I need more or I don’t know what I am living for. I believed that when I was in a place like Vietnam that God was watching over me and I don’t know why he would want to keep me here. It is not easy being who I am. I can not find rest, it does not matter if I have done my best.
I also know that depression is a state of mind, but it is my mind that is depressed. I have to take meds, that just keep me alive, if I don’t take them there are things that will stop working, I depend on them to keep me going from day to day, so it is not really good to miss taking them, but depression does that to me. I can not help but wonder about the ever after, is there one or is there nothing? I know I see where people everyday are praying for someone to live, when in reality they will more then likely be a lot better off when they pass. I know that if I have a heart attack, let me go, don’t keep me here not being able to talk or walk, screw that, let me die.
I know that everyone thinks that I am strong and I don’t let anything go wrong, but the truth is that I am really weak, because you have to be strong to commit to suicide. So many people think that when someone does something like that, they are weak and have no control. You are so wrong, it takes a lot of strength to give up and do it. They are making a point to show what happens when someone has been pushed to the ends of their rope. Believe me when I say I have to deal with that every time I walk out there in public as well as dealing with the pain. So it is like I really run out of things that I want to live for anymore. Why and what does God keep me here for?

Yes I am depressed and I have fallen and I don’t always know how to deal with this.

This is being written by a sad heart, someone that really believes that her life is falling apart.

I am Bobbie jean, sometimes I too, give up on my dream.







I walk into the world as a transwoman every time I walk outside.

I have live as such for a long time, never regretting anything that I have done. Yes times got hard and still are, but I would not dare to show anyone my fear or my tears. I have always fear the unknown and that is the only thing I fear. I have been told by many people that I should dress as a man because that is what God made me. The thing about that is when I was born, I was born with both male and female hormones, just like everyone else. For the most part people live the life they feel more comfortable at, that is their choice to make. Some people are born as a male and the hormones are more powerful as a woman, or the same for a female. That is when we come into the picture. We are the few that somehow are not in the right body that our minds are telling us. Many of you feel that it is some kind of disorder or a sickness, well it is not, it is just a way of life. Sure I could dress as a man, but I have chosen not to because it is not what I feel I am. When I look into that mirror I see Bobbie Jean, not that man I was anymore. He has been put into that mirror and now I walk into the eyes of the world. Sure I was afraid when I first stepped out into the public, but it was so much a real thing that I had no choice in the matter. For me to survive I had to do this. I had gotten weak as a male, feeling down and hated myself for things that I had to do as a man. I hated the man in me. I could not live that way anymore, I thought that if I changed myself into what I felt the need for that things would all work out, but that never happen here. My life is all ways full some kind of carp that I am forced to deal with. I use to worry about that way I look when I go out, but now it is more important that I just go out there. I still dress as a woman, because I really like what I am, It does not matter to me that I am living between two worlds, and will never feel the full woman in me, but I am all woman and that is not going to stop.

Many of you think that it really matters about what others may think of you. Well if you really want to be true to yourself, you will have to forget about what others say or think, it is your life, if you want it take it. Stand your ground, It does not matter who you will lose, what matters is you. My advice to anyone that fears the comments of others,it is because you are not ready to make that change, because if you did that would not stop you.

I have gotten much older now and my heath is keeping me from doing much anymore so now I just go out when I need something or have to go to the doctors. Yet I still feel the need to go out. The only thing that I wish for at this point in time is that I will die before I get to where I can not be me anymore.

I see someone every day talking about coming out into the public eyes and sometimes they do it, but a lot of you fear the unknown way to much, It does not matter what anyone else thinks about you, it is what you think about yourself, that is the only thing that matters in the end.

Sure fear the unknown, but also you need to embrace it and try to see if that is the life style that you really want.

It has not been easy for me, mostly because of where I have chosen to live. I put myself right in the middle of a world that hates someone like myself. They do not understand that I never really had a choice of who or what I am. It has come to me without my knowing.

I think the thing that I regret more then anything is that I did not change when I first found out you I was. My whole life would have been different. I was young and I had to make a choice then, so I choose what I thought was best for me, I stayed as a man. I was living around New Orleans at that time and might have had a great chance, but I was helping a friend and he did not know how I felt and I damn sure could not tell him. I wanted him, but I am not sure how that would have ended. I lose one of my best friends when we stepped over the line of friendship into sex. I was in love with him for years and I regret ever trying anything because we lose what we had as friends. So you see all does not happen the way you may want it to.

As I have gotten older and life has become hard on me, my friend here Madame Jacqueline tries her best to care for me, but it has cost her a lot. A lot more then she wanted it to cost. I have more or less took over her life as she has to care for me all the time. At any minute we might have to call 911 or get me to a hospital. Just in the past month or so I have been in the hospital about five times, stayed a week one time. That makes it hard for her to move on with her life, maybe when I am gone she will be able to move on. Sometimes I realize just how much she has given up for me.


I know that it is hard sometimes to deal with living as a transgender person and it is going to get harder if it is up to some of these people, everyday they are trying to pass new laws, not allowing us into their world. Well this is what I say to them, screw them, It is my life and I will live it the way I have chosen to.

I am going to say thanks for being right here right now, that means you have read what I have written.

Somehow I hope that what I say leads you on your way.



Written by someone with a Dream

Written by Bobbie Jean.