I find myself troubled and not knowing what to do about it. I have been dealing with so much in my life that I am not sure if it is worth all this anymore. I sometimes feel that it would be so mush easier to just to give up on life. I wonder what it would be like to be dead sometimes? I know that it is wrong to talk like this, but when life gets to the point where you live more in pain then out of pain, it will make you think about death. I have always been told that taking your life is a sin and one would surely go to hell. What if this is my hell that I am living in now? What if I am paying for the wrong that I have done in this life right here and now? So if this is my hell then there is nothing after this. I would just be dead, not in pain not waiting to die, not being miserable everyday. I know that it is wrong wanting to give up, I really don’t want to get any older if this is what getting older is going to be like for me. I see people out there fighting to just get by, I live in a state of poverty barely making ends meet, sometimes we have to do without because I run out of money, when that happens what we do without is food.
I don’t get to enjoy things like new shoes or clothes anymore. We don’t go anywhere now, unless it is to my doctors or the Save-A-Lot. We shop at the Dollar store because I can’t afford nothing more. The savings that I had put away went to tries that someone thought I needed to buy, I still don’t know why. I get so tried of dealing with all this and my life really sucks sometimes. Maybe I am lucky that I still breath and I can be on here to share my thoughts and feelings. I am feeling so damn depressed that it makes me cry. Sometimes I don’t take my meds. hoping that I would just stop breathing and maybe not wake-up one morning, that would be the way I would want to go. I know that for the most part I have been put here and saved for a reason, I just wish I could do what it is that God wants me to do so I could go home. I want to sit on that bench and fish for a while and watch as the clouds pass me by.
I just had a birthday and I was alone here with Jackie, my family did not call or send me a card. I know that some of you think that I am nothing but a waste of your time, maybe I am, but it is my time too. I have never liked to lie about anything if I could help it and if you think that being me is easy then you are wrong, I have to try and live everyday of my life showing that I am strong, never letting anyone see me cry, sometimes I have to ask myself WHY? There are people just like me that live right here in the same park that we live in, but they will not even stop and talk to me, because they don’t want anyone to know that they know me, That is so screwed up. Why is it ok for me to stand up for their rights to be free when they don’t even care about me. I know that I am the one that is suppose to make a difference, and I am sure that sometimes I do. What I don’t understand is why it does not matter about me, I have feelings as well as the next guy. I hurt and feel depressed from time to time, and I too need help. I need that inspiring word from someone that understands what I am dealing with. I have a few out there that come to me when I post something and do their best to try and help me, but it is not always enough, I need more or I don’t know what I am living for. I believed that when I was in a place like Vietnam that God was watching over me and I don’t know why he would want to keep me here. It is not easy being who I am. I can not find rest, it does not matter if I have done my best.
I also know that depression is a state of mind, but it is my mind that is depressed. I have to take meds, that just keep me alive, if I don’t take them there are things that will stop working, I depend on them to keep me going from day to day, so it is not really good to miss taking them, but depression does that to me. I can not help but wonder about the ever after, is there one or is there nothing? I know I see where people everyday are praying for someone to live, when in reality they will more then likely be a lot better off when they pass. I know that if I have a heart attack, let me go, don’t keep me here not being able to talk or walk, screw that, let me die.
I know that everyone thinks that I am strong and I don’t let anything go wrong, but the truth is that I am really weak, because you have to be strong to commit to suicide. So many people think that when someone does something like that, they are weak and have no control. You are so wrong, it takes a lot of strength to give up and do it. They are making a point to show what happens when someone has been pushed to the ends of their rope. Believe me when I say I have to deal with that every time I walk out there in public as well as dealing with the pain. So it is like I really run out of things that I want to live for anymore. Why and what does God keep me here for?
Yes I am depressed and I have fallen and I don’t always know how to deal with this.
This is being written by a sad heart, someone that really believes that her life is falling apart.
I am Bobbie jean, sometimes I too, give up on my dream.