Under My Tree

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Under my tree I sit and write for thee.

I am growing older, as I now look back over my shoulder.

Wondering if my life as served a purpose and I have done all I have needed to do? I look back to day, what could I have changed to be a better person?  What could I have done to be a better human being?

I always thought that I had done my best at everything that I put my mind to, yet I have never finished anything. For some reason or another I was stopped in the middle and forced to go another way, I never could understand that.

I guess I just did not have the right partner in life.

Today I am with someone that spends hours working on building something for our future. Every time I look over at my partner I see something new being born.

We live in a different world here in south Ga. Not a world like you may live in. It is hard here because of the life style that we have chosen to live, there are not many here that would step out into the public eye. That is what makes us different them most.

For a long time I thought that I was doing it to make a difference here in the south, only to find out that no one really cares here. From what I can tell these people have lived in the closet for so long that they just as soon stay there. All they want to do is bitch about equal rights, but they don’t want to fight for them. I have been fighting for equal rights for a long time and all it has gotten me is the lost of everything in my life.

I had lost that anyway for the most part, so that was not a surprise to me.

My Mother gave me up when I was 5 years old and left me to fend for myself. I have always wondered what it would have been like to be raised by a real family and to have known the people in my life. Today at 62, I still don’t know my family. It is a shame in a way, but it is their lost, because I tried to reach out to them, and was told that there was no one in the family like me.

Because of the life style that I have chosen to live, it has not been an easy road. No one wants to be friends because then they would have to be seen in public with me. I do not hide who I am and that has become a problem for most. They cannot deal with the chance that someone they know just might see them with me, and then they would be shunned by their friends.

Sometimes men come to me and tell me that they would like to spend some time with me and get to know me, but when I agree, they say it must be discreet. What is discreet? I am not in any way discreet about who and what I am, I am open and show myself as I am to the public. I have never tried to hide that, I think that it is wrong to hide your true self. So for the most part they lose out on the best of what I have to offer, myself.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that it does not matter who you are and what you do. When you have gotten to my age there is not much that you can do that would change anything. The road has been laid out for you and you have traveled it. The only thing that you can do now is to except what you have done with your life. Some of you will be the lucky ones and get to enjoy your new life style, but there are some of us that will never have that. It is our destiny to make the best of a bad situation.

Thank You Miss Bobbie Jean.