I AM A SHEMALE
My name is Bobbie Jean Chiasson
I am for real.
I am a Shemale.
But that does not make me a whore.
WALK WITH ME INTO
THE INNER SIDE
What I write is from my heart and what I have to deal with everyday in my life. The words that you will read are truly mine. My inspiration comes from my friends; they have given me the ability to do this and try to set me free. I write about the way they have made me feel and to show me that life is real; I was broken when we met, yet I will be left with the best I can get
A TRUE FRIEND
INTO MY SECRET PLACE
HERE I WILL TAKE YOU INTO MY LIFE AND ALLOW MYSELF TO SHOW MY TRUE COLORS.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I WANT THE WORL TO SEE, THAT I AM ONLY ONE HUMAN, TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE. I DO NOT ASK YOU TO STAND WITH ME, I AM ASKING YOU TO STAND NEXT TO ME.THERE WERE FOUR TIMES IN MY LIFE I HAD DIED AND IT WAS NOT MY DAY. I AM STILL HERE NOW, BECAUSE I STILL HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.
I AM A
My name is Bobbie Jean
I am for real.
I am a Shemale.
But that does not make me a
I love to have fun and I love music and dance. I have rights and I do not need to Deal with a lot of BS in my life. If you choose to be a part of what I am about great, love to have you as a friend, I believe that everyone has a choice in life to be what they want to be.
Sometimes life throws a little something in the mix, which is where I come into play. I am not sure what I am anymore, just what I like to be. I have chosen to look the way I do, because it is the only me I know.
These are things I like in life,
Music First and foremost.
I do enjoy the company of beautiful women.
I Like having sex with males or females, or both at the same time works too..
I am not gay, bisexual, whore, slut, tranny, Cross dresser, guy or girl,
And damn sure ain’t your Bitch,
So don’t make the mistake and try to tell me what to do.
I am a Shemale…and proud of it. I would be a full woman if I could afford it.
I am me, that’s all I can be. So do not label me with your entire BS labels.
Just call me Ms Bobbie Jean.
The most important thing here is that I am not going to change;
I am not going away,
Because I am here to stay;
I deal with things in my own way, being a Shemale and living where I live, has been a real challenge for me. I was one of a kind when I came out here 30 years ago, and walked out into public for the first time here. You should have been there. I was working in a panty factory, and I was in charge of the shipping. I had to deal with a lot of people, like truck drivers and their Bosses. It was quite a shock to most of them, because they had only heard of someone like me. Then, some didn’t know what I was. They tried so hard to fire me, but knew that might be a mistake on their part.
The only thing wrong with that was, they didn’t know that there was no lawyer around here that would even help me, all they told me, was to get out of town.
I was alone, and had no one to help me, or stand with me. The more I tried to get help, the more BS I had to deal with. So now this is how I will deal with this.
I AM A SHEMALE,
I HAVE COME TO KNOW MYSELF AS THAT, IF I AM WRONG THEN IT IS NOT FOR YOU TO JUDGE ME, BUT IT IS ONLY FOR HIM THAT JOB CAN BE.
MY LIFE AS IT IS
My life as it is today, tired, but wanting to write, that is the thing about reality, I write when I feel that I need to talk to you. I am sure that by now, if you are reading this you know me, and if it is your first time, welcome aboard.
I am feeling somewhat down, I hurt so bad that it is hard just for me to sit here. I have taken my meds because I need to try and stay alive just a little longer; I believe that Your God keeps me here, as to show you the way. I feel that I am paying for the things that I have done wrong in my life. It is like I am living my Hell here on earth.
As I walk through my life I have had the opportunity to see many things, most of it was all bad. There is not a time that I can remember that was good; maybe the bad over whelmed it.
I have seen the hatred and the cruelty of what man can do. I have seen the damage that one person can do to another human being.
You ever allowed someone to take control of your life? I did that one time, I was living with this girl and life was good for the most part, I had to work like hell to get back on my feet after being sued and I lost a 100,000 dollar business because of the woman I had trusted for 12 years clean me out and took my son, and my best friend and ran off with everything we had, left me standing with nothing after 12 years of building a business, It only took 30 days to clean me out.
This girl and I lived together and shared a life for 5 years then things changed and I found myself dealing with someone else in my life. That was when Bobbie Jean was born and she became part of my life. My girlfriend said that she could see that something was wrong and that she was going to help me. She got me some new clothes and showed me what it was like to dress as a woman and I loved the feeling that I got from doing this and realized that I was there all the time, now I was free and I love becoming Bobbie Jean and she was becoming part of who I am here today. The problem was to dress like that I was not allowed out of our home, not for any reason at all. After two years of never going anywhere and just being at home cleaning and cooking and taking care of my son which was only 3 years old and he called me Mom, because he never saw her anymore.
She wanted to work and when she came home. The boy was to be in bed and her food on the table. She would make me serve her and when she was done, she demanded a drink with some music so I could dance for her and then we would make love, her as a male using me as a female. Making me happy for that time, yet I wanted out, I wanted to go out in public. I begged her to take me some where just to sit and drink a cup of coffee, I needed to bloom and show my true colors, then the shit hit the fan when I ran away and went out in public dressed up. Life changed that day for me, now she did not want me anymore, I had become an embarrassment to her now, I could not dress anymore I was shut down. The next 5 years where like a nightmare straight from Hell and I was in the middle of it all. I had become her ticket to a check, because she wanted to prove that I was Crazy.
After checking me out and finding that the only thing that was wrong with me was that I was a woman born in a man’s body and needed to be set free, there was nothing crazy about that. When they told her that, then she no longer needed me, so I had to go. Five years of being called names and treated like a piece of shit, I finally found the strength that I needed to walk away from her. Bobbie Jean stood up and said that there was no more of that man left in her and it was over between them. I started my life as it is today, I stopped dressing as a man that day and I have never dressed like that again
I lost everything in my life that day, my son, my family and my Mom, yet I still would welcome them with open arms , but they don’t want to be around someone like me, they say that there is no one in their family called Bobbie Jean and they do not know me.
Well today my real name is
Bobbie Jean Chiasson and I am very proud to be her. I have won my life, yet why am I not a Happy Camper, as Madame Jacqueline would say. Life is real here today.
Here’s the thing that I deal with and This I am not proud of, yet because of the way my life has been, I now treat Jacqueline the same way, she is my love yet I have hurt her and I have shut her life down just so she can sit here and take care of me, because now I am the one needing help, I am the one that has en caged her here like an animal, not allowing her to be herself, to find herself.
I have shut down her true colors, so I am no better than the girlfriend that hurt me so, now I hurt her and I am wrong for trying to control what she does or thinks, she is a beautiful creature and I am truly blessed to have her here with me. Only thing is that maybe she does not want to be here. She cares more for me than she does her own life that is called love.
That is called a friend, called a Human being, because she has put my life above her own, she is I my true Angel and she is the Love of my life. My life is coming to an end and all I can do now is see if there is some way to show her that I was wrong and that I am truly sorry for what I did and that I will be glad when that day comes and I can set her Free so she can fly like an Angel. I will miss her when I am gone, I can only hope that she remembers some of the good times together, because I will never forget her.
I guess I’ll begin with a story my mother told me, when I was about 3 months old, she thought that I was dying so she took me to a Voodoo lady since there were no doctors around the area where we lived. My mother said she did some kind of spell on me and brought me back to life, I always wonder about that story, if it was true or not?
When I was 5 years old my mother gave me up to the welfare and I started a new life moving from one home to another and ended up living in 7 homes from the ages of 5-16, so we moved around a lot.
I mean my younger brother and me. He was 2 years younger than I was, so I had to look after him as well as myself. In the first home I can remember moving in the country with two old people and being only 5 there are a few thing that I can remember like one day my mother came to see us there at the home and when she left I was holding on to the handle of the car, but she would not stop and she backed out the driveway with me crying and begging her not to leave us there and she was dragging me in the dirt, but would not stop and I finely fell off the side of the car in the dirt.
There was another day when I was walking through the fruit trees and there was a honeybee nest in one of the trees and it was kind of a big nest, if you know what I mean! I had a box of marbles that I played with and I was shaking them, and for so stupid reason I throw one of the marbles at the nest and I hit it.
Before I knew what was going on the bees were all over me stinging me
everywhere; I ran to the house as fast as I could, the old people stripped off my shirt and pants and tried to get all the bees off of me, but I had been stung so many times that I was getting sick real bad. I started throwing up and it was coming out of the other end just as fast, so they rushed me to the nearest doctor’s office and then all I can remember at that point was blacking out and I lost two years of my life because I don’t remember anything until two years later. When I finely started to remember anything again I was now 7 years old and I was in a school and I don’t remember how or where I was living, or where I had been living for the past two years of my life. Things were not the same anymore; I didn’t know where I was or where I was living anymore.
I don’t even know if my little brother was with me anymore. I do remember being at a hospital a lot, for like six months to a year or so. I remember the school because there was a little boy there that had no arms like us, they were still in his body so he had to write with his feet, and he was pretty good at it. He could color or eat with a fork just like the rest of us, but that is all I can remember about that time in my life. I don’t remember anything until I was in another home and my brother was back in my life, but we were only there for two or three weeks before we were moved again.
Somehow I wish that I could remember where and what happened to me in those two years, so there were seven homes I was told that I was in, yet I can only account for five of them the other two were lost to me.
I then remember moving to a place that again was out in the country next to the Miss. River, it was so close that we could walk to the river. The old people owned a country store and they took in kids for the money, and I say for the money because they sure didn’t spend it on us. We lived there for about two years and the only thing that she would cook for my brother and I was potatoes, that was all we would get, never any meat or anything else, just potatoes. A couple of times she baked a cornbread for us, but we couldn’t have anything with it. It had been a long time since we had a cornbread, so I asked her if she would cook us one, well she got mad and cooked seven and made us eat all of them with nothing to put on them or to drink with, so we never asked again, we just eat the potatoes from that time on.
While we were there a lot of things happen to us because these people were very mean to us mostly, the lady was the one that took care of us, the man worked at his store all day. We were not allow in the house until 8:00 pm every day, so in the summer we had to burn leaves to keep the mosquitoes away from us, in the winter the man would come home at 6:00 pm, so we would stand in front of the car in the shed so we could stay warm from the heat of the motor, just for a little while, it didn’t last long.
After about a year we were there, they had a old black lady lived in a old shack next to us, well that’s where we were put. You could see through the wall because all there were was boards and you could see between them. There was no heat or water, no bathroom, nothing but an old bed where we had to sleep, the old lady had died in that damn bed.
I remember at night sometimes the black kids would come and poke sticks through the boards to scarce us, we finally got use to it.
They had a son, he was about 17 or so, he would take us to the river and put us in a little wooden boat and he would sit on the bank with a gun and make us catch any kind of snakes he could see, and I mean any kind. We would have to put the boat under where the snake was sunning and we would try to get them in a sack, but sometimes it would land in the boat, so we would get to shore before it would bite one of us. He would keep all kinds of snakes because, I just think he was nuts in the heads if you know what I mean.
After about two years there, I had enough of that BS and had seen all I wanted to see, so I took my little brother and stood on the side of the road.
I told the lady that I was not coming back into the yard until there was a welfare worker sitting there. The next day there was one and all she told us was that we were bad kids and they would have to put us in a reform school till we were 17 years old and I tried to tell her the truth about everything but she did not believe me. She asked me to give her a couple of days to see what she could and I told her yes, that I would wait for her to try and find us someplace else to go and live. Well she did.
Well the next place we moved to was again out on a farm, where the old couple needed help to work the corps and care for the cows. We were put there with the understanding that there would a 90 day prohibition period and if for any reason we caused any problems that we would surely end up in the reform school.
Without even thinking about it, we just did the best we could and helped them as much as they needed us to do, so when 30 days had gone by, the old lady asked me what was wrong, because I never talked about anything and would not let my brother say a thing about what had happen to us at our last home.
One day she just made me sit down with her so I would talk to her. She knew that something was wrong with us, because we just didn’t act like other kids would. So I just started telling her all about the last two years of our lives and the things that were done to us and the way we were treated. When she heard all this she knew then why we were always so quiet, never doing or saying anything that might get us in trouble with them. She called the welfare worker to come back out there and made her tell us that we were not bad kids and what had happen was not our fault.
We would not be put in a reform school. The case worker now had to look into the problem, because the lady filed a complaint against the other foster parent. Come to find out there was a little girl where we were now staying, she had lived there to, but she was only 1 years old and had never been taken out of the baby bed and was bald on the back of her little head and was about to die, because she had not gotten the right kind of milk. So they had to give her sol-milk so that she could live.
Now that the worker had a case against this lady, they could charge her with taking in the money and abusing those children that had lived there. The welfare had to close down the home and the boy was charged with child abuse and was put in prison. She had to pay back all the money she had gotten and could never have any foster kids again.
So what I did when I told the truth was a good thing and helped many other kids not to have to surfer living there with those people. I will say that we had a good life for the next 6 years I lived there, till I moved on, but my little brother stayed there till he got married and then move away. It was good there, we had our own cows and earned some money to help us buy little things that we needed and to just save up for when we got ready to move on with our lives. Till this day I will always remember them for what they gave to us and helped us become who we are now. They raised over 30 kids that I knew of, and some I didn’t get to meet. They were really good people with a big heart just wanting to help kids because they could never have any of their own.
Let me talk a little about being a web model. It is a real fun thing to do if you like it. We had a place where we went online and we were in our own bedroom and people are allowed to come in and share with us. We tried to have fun and kept things in an orderly way, sometimes it can get out of hand, but we try to just let it go. After all it is just that, a game we play. We love to tease the guys, and they like it to. Sometimes we can laugh and play. We always try to look our best and post new pictures, just sometimes we get so tied up, that we don’t get the time. We both have to be in the right frame of mind for all this to work out right, boy that can be a real hooter sometimes.
Anyway, the whole concept of being a
Web Model is to show and play, and being in a Duo, the play is much more fun than being alone.
I have a little story about two web models I would like to tell you about, and share this with you. It is about love.
As we walk through our lives, we never think about some of things that we’ve changed along the way. We just don’t think about it and sometimes we find ourselves trying to change some of the people in our lives as well. Not wanting to, or even meaning to, we do, or say things that make a difference in their life.
I know a real chose friend of mine, and I have watched her and her girlfriend go through some times, and I have seen how it has hurt them in more ways than one. They were a loving and gentle couple, always showing their love for one another and having fun.
Now, what I see is pain and hurt, in both of them, taking away all their love from their hearts and the lovely smiles from their faces.
I know how hard it must be for them to deal with something’s that are going on with them and as they try to work together to hold on to what they had found in each other to began with and not lose that love. Love is a strong word and there are so many reasons that people use it. (I love because you are wonderful, yet I need to change you to be what I want.) Is that true love, or is that just someone that thinks they’re in love.
A real close friend of mine told me this.
“Love is to take me as I am,
Not wanting to change me. “
I have found that if you meet someone and you enjoy being with them as they are, then why would you want to change them, they would not be the same person anymore, would they?
Sometimes we all make a mistake, the real show of strength here is, can we learn by these mistakes and try to better what we have and make each other happy. I stand up and say, Yes, I will try harder to be that person that you met.
I know that I am not that perfect person, nor do I claim to be a writer. I just know I write what I feel and what is in my mind. My heart leads the way.
The love in my heart tells me what to say, as I try to show someone what I am going through and what I am feeling as I try to show you how easy it is to lose what you have.
The only thing real in life is everything changes.
I have made the choice here and now, to be a better friend and lover to my girlfriend, to stand up and say I want to walk with you, not in the front of you. Please take my hand and walk with me.
A DAY IN A LIFE
We all have this feeling inside of us that one day something might happen and change our life, I’m going to try to tell you about someone that I know, that has such feelings and lives with this fear every day.
She was a young girl and just starting her life off as a Shemale, living in a small town and not really knowing anyone made it a little easier to make this change. Things began to look like they would be ok and for the most part people just didn’t notice or didn’t care, so she thought.
Time pasted on and then things began to start happening around her. People were beginning to change and they were making remarks about her as she walked in the stores and did her shopping. As time went by, the guys started to come on to her, and she was afraid that one of them would get too close to her and find out, so she did her best not to let them into her life. That was becoming harder for her to do, she found herself needing the company of a man. It had been over two years now since her last affair and was getting the needs really bad. But knowing what could happen, if just one of the wrong people found out.
She was a good person and all she ever wanted to do was get along with everyone and just live. Sometimes we can do that, and sometimes it will never happen.
They say there is a time and place for everything, well maybe there is, but I guess this just wasn’t the time for her, and damn sure was not the place.
This is hard for me, because she was very close to me and I loved her so much. She was brave and stood up to anyone that didn’t like others because of how they were. It was real late one evening and she was driving home from an auction, where they sold old things, like junk you would use around your home and just want to hang on to. She went there a couple of times a week and just liked to visit with people and try to make friends, There were some good people there and then there were those that she just didn’t talk to at all. Well anyway it was late like I said and she had a long way to drive and when I say a long way, 20 miles here where we live is a long way when you are driving through areas where there are no homes.
Just open fields, and woods, for a mile or two.
I knew how much she hated driving there late, but it was the only way home. She would try to call someone and be talking to them on her cell phone, but there were areas that were dead zones, or if it was too late there was no one for her to talk to.
This one night was bad from the start and she had a bad feeling about it. She told me that she had been having some trouble with her car, and said that this guy was going to work on it for her, so I guess she got it fixed or so I thought.
About five miles from her home, that was the worst place of all and it was in the dead zone. Her car starting acting funny and then it stopped, she tried hard to get it going and just could not get it to start again. This was not good, because it was Friday night and very late out.
There was no way to call for help and the law didn’t even past out there much, out in the country.
She did everything she could do and there was nothing, so now the only thing was to try and lock herself down and pray that the right kind of help got there first. It was very dark out and she was getting really afraid of what might happen. Well it happens….
There was this old truck that stopped out in front of her and two guys got out of it, walking back toward her car, and just cussing and raising hell about something. All she knew was that that were drunk and this surely was not good. They walked up to the car door and starting trying to get inside, when they saw her laying down in the back seat trying to hide, they yelled at her to open the door and said that they would not hurt her,
Yeah right two drunken rednecks.
That just wasn’t going to be good. One of the guys picked up something and broke the window, now it was on. There was no turning back, no help in sight and all hell was fixing to happen.
I am going to be a little slow about getting into this story about my friend. As I said it is hard on me to tell this, because we are so close to each other. There are times when we are like two peas in a pod.
Well I guess it is time to get into my story, like I said before this is very hard for me to do.
I was at the time when the two guys had just found her in the back seat, trying to hide from them. They broke out the window and got to the door knob to open it. She tried hard to hold it and not let them get in, just did not have the strength it would take. She was really scared and there was nothing she could
do to stop what was going to happen.
She thought to herself, should I fight them and try to stop as much of it that she could or do I just let them have their way and hope that they would not hurt her.
She had seen guys like this before and sometimes they were not too nice to her, now she is in their hands and they are at their worst, have you ever seen two drunk rednecks? To them they ruled the world and anything in it. One of the guys reached in the car and graded her arm and starting putting her out of the car now, and she tried to hold on to the door, but he was too strong for her to fight against. He pushed her up against the car and just kind of held her there for a minute or two, just looking at her with a puzzled face.
He then say to the other guy, I think you need to check this bitch out, he wasn’t sure what he was looking at, I think this might be a guy, he said to his friend, the other guy says no way, this is a girl, then he reached down and graded her privates and oh my God, he just jumped back and say holy shit, it is a guy. Now she was really afraid of them, they got pissed off because they wanted a girl. The one that knew first asked the other guy, what were they going to do now? The second guy just says we are going to give this bitch just what she is looking for. A good screwing. And we are going to make it hurt or make her like it, one of the two.
They pushed her toward the back of the truck, holding each arm, so she could not fight them. She tried to ask, them please not to do this, but they were not listening to her, remember they were drunk and just didn’t care.
One of the guys reached for some rope that was laying there when he dropped down the tailgate to the truck and started tying her hands, one to each side of the truck, now she was bent over on the tail gate and stretched out across the back of the old truck, it didn’t look or feel very good for her right now.
She was wear a short skirt and one of the guys reached up and just tore her panties off of her showing her ass now. She beg them not to hurt her, and told them that she would do what they asked, just to try to keep them from harming her worst then they wanted to. But that was like talking to the truck, because they were not listening to what she was saying, just wanted to show her that they could do what they wanted to do, and that is what happen next, the first guy shoved his hard rock cock up inside her and just shoved deep and hard, not caring if it hurt her or not.
She was crying now and starting to feel the pain from his forceful thrush into her.
He forced himself onto her till he cum all up inside her, making her scream with pain as he shoved deep, hurting her. Then turned to the friend and told him, it was his turn to take her, but he had other plans for that. He said he wanted this bitch to feel the real pain of what it would be like being a woman raped by two guys. There were some beer bottles laying there and he reached out and got one, then using it to shove up inside her, forcing it all the way into her, then forcefully shoving it in and out of her as fast as he could go, she was screaming, begging him please to stop, but he would not.
TEARS RUNNING DOWN HER FACE, TRYING TO GO TO ANOTHER PLACE.
He reached up and tore off her blouse, showing her breast and he said wow, this bitch really thinks she can be a woman, then he started to grab them, pulling on them to hurt her, squeezing them hard, as he shoves the bottle deep. Not sure how much more she can stand, she must stay awake to try to save herself if she needs to, or at least know what was happening to her.
Consciousness is very important at this stage of the game.
She feels that, to lose herself would not be good, even though the pain is too much, she must try hard to stay awake. She is praying that they will just finish and let her go, but it does not look like that is going to happen for some time.
He tells his friend that he wants to get him some head, so he jumps up on the truck and tells him to take over with the bottle and have fun, now they are giving it to her at both ends and they are not cutting her any slack, she is in real pain and cannot take much more. The night is passing and they are getting tried now, so they feel the need to want to hurt her bad, thinking that this would change her mind about being a Shemale. They turn her over facing them and she is just laying back, hurt, exhausted and in real pain, One of them tells her that he should just cut off her dick and shove it right in her mouth, but then she would just die and nothing would be learnt from it, so to teach her a lesson he just wanted to see how bad he could hurt her. Kneeing her in the groan, bring her to her knees, then kneeing her in the face,
Blood was just flowing everywhere.
He picks her up just to do it again, and again, her face was swollen and red with her blood. She could not stand, yet would not give in, she was beaten and torn, and all she could do was pray for God to let this end. Lying there, falling in and out of consciousness, she realized that they had gone and she was lying naked on the ground. With the little strength she could pull together, she managed to get to her car and wrapped herself up in an old blanket, as she pasted out.
The sun was up now, when she tried to open her eyes, blood still flowing over them. Not sure what time it was, and really not caring, she tried to start the car, but it would not start. So here she was beaten and no way to get help, she had but one last chance.
There was an old friend of hers that lived up the road, about 30 miles from where she was, hoping that her phone would work, she dialed his number and thank God he answered it. All she had to do was say please come help me, and tell him where she was. He was there in a half hour, not knowing what had happen, when he saw her, he just had to take her in his arms and try to let her know that he was there for her. That everything would be ok now. He wanted to take her to the hospital, but she would not let him. She says that if he did, then she would have to deal with the cops and God knows who else. She just wanted him to help her get home. He would not take her home alone, he brought her to his home where he cleaned her up and tried to see just how bad all this was. She had been beaten, but there was no sign of needing to go the hospital, but she needs a doctor.
So he got her to his doctor, he had been with him for 30 years and knew he could trust him not to call the law in on it.
After the doctor checked her out and fixed up the worst spots, he said that she was lucky, because it could have been a lot worst. About the beer bottle? He told her that she would feel some real pain for a couple days, because he had to remove it the best he could. They had shoved it all the way inside of her. She was hurting so bad that she had not even notice it. He said that he had to cut her open a little to help him get it out, but she would heal up and be ok.
With some cuts and bruises she just wanted to get home. She needed to rest and think about all this. She talked with her friend and said that it was best just to let it go.
You see no good could come out of bringing in the law, because it would just be her fault anyway. Maybe it was best to hide it from everyone, so he did just that for her. He got her car home and got it fixed. He did everything that she needed of him; till she felt that she could deal with the public again. It took a few weeks, but she did it and it was time to move on to a new place, away from there, and the bad memories of that night.
Today she thanks God for being there with her, and knows that if he had not been, things would have been worst for her. He gave her the strength to live. She has become a stronger and hopefully a better person from all this.
Now, I have told my story and hopefully I told it well. At this point, I will leave you with this thought.
Who was this friend, or was it really the friend that all this happen to?
Maybe, just maybe the friend and I are one in the same. Maybe this was the only way I could tell my story. Maybe this was the only way I could deal with this pain. Maybe I had to deal with this pain too long by myself.
Or just maybe, this is all nothing but a story I have dreamed up.
For the first time since all this happened, I have someone that cares about me, and I know will take care of me now.
I want to say that I love you Jackie and I thank you for being in my life. I have noticed these past few days how you have come to me, giving me of yourself. I don’t want you to change my love, be yourself, find yourself, just give yourself to me and let me hold you as you have held me.
Things got worse for me because of all the crap I had to deal with and my heart just would not take it.
I tried to be stronger and stand up for those that were like me. So I made myself believe all that crap about,
Let’s help the Gays, well in the end the gays were the worst ones, and treated me like shit. They say, I am what they call a shout it out loud gay person.
Well I never even though I was Gay.
I know I don’t like to be called Gay!
Even when I tried to go to the clubs, it was the same thing, just because I was not a Drag Queen, no one wanted to know me.
Well I finally have gotten to the point in my life where I can and will say, I don’t care what others may think of me, I am Bobbie Jean, a Shemale and I am proud of that.
For all those of you that think I am something else, sorry but I am not.
I guess this is where I’ll be for the rest of my life, somewhere between a woman and a man.
This is what I have to deal with.
I think that I am trying to find peace with myself, there are some things that I can change and some things I can’t. I only know that I need to make things better for me, and I know that I’m the only one that can do that.
I am going to try to control my life and not worry about someone else, I know I don’t like it when someone thinks they can control me, sorry that will only last for so long, and then it’s done. I will only stand for so much. When I say I have had enough it will be too late for anything else. I was so worried about dying alone that I believe I would have tried to be happy with anyone, well I know now that anyone just will not do. Besides if you have true friends then you are never alone.
Love is like a flower,
It will only Bloom if it is nourished.
You must take care of it for it to grow,
And in the end, if it blooms,
Then the love you will know.
Every day I try hard to deal with many things in my life. Today I would like to talk about (Being Passable). That is what Transgenders try hard to do and some pay big money to try and make that happen.
I used to always worry about someone knowing what I was, male or female, and I thought that it would be better if I could pass as a women. I live here in The South, in a place called Albany, Ga. There are not but a handful of Transgender people that will walk out in public here.
I take one hell of a chance every time I walk out of my home. Because The more passable I am the more risk I take, If I look real good and pass as a women, then, when a man comes up to me and starts to talk to me,
What do I do then?
I have to say something.
I will try to be nice.
I always watch myself about being soft in the way I talk.
If he does not stop there and wants to get to know me more,
What is it that I should do then?
I have learned that the truth is always the best way to show myself. If it gets to that point, I will then ask this gentleman if he knows just what I am. I do not want to lie to someone or to show myself off as anything other than what I am, I am A Shemale/Transgender and I am proud of myself for getting this far in life.
I am 63 years old and every day I live with the fact that I should have died a long time ago. I have always wondered just what is my purpose in life, I think that I may have found it, I love to talk and writing is like making music to me.
I have found that it is not a matter of whether or not I am passable, the truth is I am just a man in a dress to the most of you, and there is nothing I can do about that. I have come to love myself, as I am. I am not a man any more; I have crossed the line of no turning back. I can never go in public without a top on, that’s for sure.
Where we live, I have known people like myself that have stepped into that world where they were thought to be a real woman, when the guys found out that she was not a woman, it cost her the only life that she had, her own.
She was beaten and left for dead at an old school house where she lived, not more than 30 miles from where I live today.
Jacqueline and I went to town today and had to get some food, we just needed to get out for a few. She looked real nice today with her brown outfit on. She is so lovely, sometimes I find myself just watching her. She is so much a lady, if I were a man; she would most surely be my woman. She has this natural look about her that she could pass as a woman, but she does not see things the way I do, she has not had to deal with all the hate that I have had to deal with over the 30 years I have been dressing like this, I know that I am not always passable, but I know that I am Beautiful.
I don’t try as hard anymore to be passable, because I now tell everyone that I am a Shemale/Transgender person and I am proud of my life.
There are times when I wish that I had not chosen the path that I have, but then if I had not, I would not be me.
I would not have met this Beautiful young woman. She is the one that fills my need for love.
Together we now walk out in public and I will always try my best to protect her, I really don’t care if I have to act like a man to do so.
So the thought for the day is that you don’t need to be what you are not, just to be passable, because if you show the truth about yourself to others, then and only then will you become passable, because the most important people in your life will see you as you are, Beautiful.
I am sitting here under my tree,
Just wonder what I have done to me.
It was my birthday and I am missing a family that has never shared a life together. I am not sure why this is so,
We never played ball together,
We never went fishing together,
And we damn sure never went anywhere together.
I think I have about eight or ten brothers and sisters somewhere, if not dead. I only met three of them in my life. I remember meeting my grandparents one day because I remember that they could not speak one word of English, and I damn sure did not have a clue to what they were saying. So I did not know my family like you had a chance to. So there was no one there to wish me a happy birthday like you.
I had a dad, if he was my dad, and I met him one time when I was like 13, then again the last year of his life, before he died, so I did not know my dad, like you had the chance to. So I could not tell my father happy father’s day dad like you got too.
I have three children out there somewhere. I do hope that all is well for them, my daughter is 43 years old and the last time we spoke was when she was 16, because I choose my life she walked out then. I have a son that is somewhere around 35 now and the last time I talked to him was when I told him that if I ever caught him gay bashing, I would kill him myself. Those were the last words between us. I had one more, and I really thought that this would be the one, my pride and joy. I was his mother for the first part of his life, giving him all the love I could. The last time we talked was when he came to me and needed a place to stay, and then he started taking and taking until I would not give anymore. When I asked him what he wanted from me, he told me.
All he could get.
Because he blamed me for him being called gay, I owed him something. This boy had been getting a check from my SS for ten years and he did not know that because his mother was stealing it from him, but I owed him. He is now 20 years old so for that I have missed out on the father’s day thing, only wish I had a chance to enjoy them sometime, like you do.
To end this, it was flag day, but I could not enjoy that day like you would, because of the choices I have made in my life that is for my well being, I was judged today when a man, had the nerve to think that I would have sex with him, but he would have to use a bag, I told him I got his bag bullshit, take his ass and his bag the hell on, he called the cops on me, because he said I upset his mother, it was not me that upset her,
more than likely it was his mouth that upset her.
So I did not get to enjoy
The day of the flag,
Because I was
Being called a fag;
So thanks to my family for shoving me right out of your useless lives, and if you all are an image of what your god is like, then I feel sorry for you, because you have missed the best of me.
Can I learn to
I love to cook and make up a nice plate for Dinner, and when I have someone to do it for, it makes things even better.
I have been going through a lot of things; I am mentally and physically tired.
I am trying now just to relax for a while; I have taken three pain pills and would like not to take any more tonight. There is one thing I can say about the Marine Corp, they taught you how to endure pain.
My friend Madame Jacqueline is doing just great as for being a friend, yet I cannot help but feel that I am hurting her as well as myself. Because of me, she has not had a chance to get a gig. I cannot help but feel that because of me things will get rough around here.
I called the People that are suppose to help people like me to live on our own, so that we can still feel like part of something. I asked if there was a program that would help me pay for help, so I could live at home and not in a home. She told me that the only thing that she could do was to have someone come to me three days a week to help me get dressed and cook for me, help me to clean, but I would have to give them 260.00 dollars out of my SS which is only 850.00 and as for me not being able to drive.
I would have to sit at where ever I had to go till the van came back to get me. It’s like I worked and I paid and I work some more for what. Oh, they will not come if someone else is living with me, get that. So I thought about a nursing home, I need to be thinking about these things because they look like they could be part of my future. Anyway, If I need to go there, they will take everything that is in my name away from me, and I will not be allow to have anything like a PC or anything else, They will take my van, anything in my checking account and my check every month. I will have nothing. There goes my freedom.
I will not give up so easy; we are going back to the Flea Market and try to move forward with our lives.
I have decided that things will change for us, I am not putting out my signs or any photos of us, We are going out there to sell whatever we can, because we have no choice, I will not let anyone ever stop me from doing what I want to do or saying what I want to say, But I will also forgive anyone that thinks they are better than me or Madame.
I will forgive any fool that thinks he has the right to call us or any one like us names, I will forgive the asshole that thinks he is God. Because I am better than that, I am better than any of them. We will go and set up with our junk and if you come by fine, if you don’t you lose, not me, I am One of the most interesting people I know. I can tell you a story and you will not know what is real. God give me a Brain to use as I see fit. It is the only thing that I can control and I need help with that.
But most of all I have feelings;
I hurt inside; in my life I have committed so much sin that I will never see Heaven or God.
I believe that God has chosen people like me to carry that cross that has become our burden, We are all now expected to live up to Gods way. Man has changed the Holly Words to make you believe what they want you to believe. There were no words written by God, but by Man.
In the name of God people have died, because someone else thinks that their God is telling them to do these things to others, that is not what God is about.
God to me is about what I do here, when I sit here and try to understand why and how did we become that creature with so much hate inside us that we would harm another human creature, yes, we are but creatures of Go.
I do not use the word as to say that God is a man; God is our voices, our cries, our sadness and pain. God is our love and understanding, we are all part of what God is, but to have Good there must be evil, I am that evil here, that hatred, that hurting and that pain, You cannot hide, because I am everywhere. The fear that I put into your head brings your God closer to your heart, I cannot change the things that I have done, but I can change the way I feel about myself. I have never before been so afraid of death than I am right now. Because I was not allowed to walk into the House of your God, I feel that I am dammed for Hell.
We are going out to the Flea Market and I really don’t care about anything but trying to sell something to help me keep my friend here to take care of me. I ask for nothing but respect and allow us to do what we need to do and earn something.
It is no longer important to me about how you feel about me, it is more important to me to care about how I feel about me.
LET HER BE
Today I sit and write a tale,
Of a young woman that was a male.
All her life, there was nothing more,
just the want to open that door.
She was beautiful when she was young,
But now that the years have come, the old has begun.
You never know what your life will bring,
Till you start to do anything.
I have often wondered
What it would have been like over yonder?
She lives here in America where she should be free,
Yet there is only one way that can be.
For her to live her life,
She would have to live the way you think is right.
Why is that to be?
When you did nothing to help her be free?
You want her to fight for you,
Yet there is nothing that you want to do.
It is easy for you to bury your head,
You might as well be dead,
Open your eyes to the world,
See her colors, let her be a girl.
Now that you have walked in my secret garden and touched my deepest soul I still have a lot of stories to be told, as you can see you are no better than me, you may choose to think so. But in your heart you really know. We are the same, all I have done is changed my name.
I write for those that can write no more
BOBBIE JEAN CHIASSON